Entry 3

Today I could hear the normal sound of what sounds like people talking at a restaurant and the incoherent words being spoken, there are times I could here a words being spoken to me, again in a male voice saying “whyyyyyy whyyyyyy whyyyyyy” in a very low and grunting sounding voice. Scared me. I was just picking up my room nothing that should have triggered that. Mostly when I hear voices it seems to always be a male.

I have never really told anyone because like I said before it was just something I lived with and plus this isn’t the kind of thing you go telling people even your closest friends “hey, guess what? I hear voices” I feel like I must truly be “insane” to do so lol 

P.S. a friend of mine told  me that it was from the devil lol…..

P.P.S I cut today (despite meditating) I will keep trying

 

“Crazy” Weekend Literally and Figuratively

WHERE DO I BEGIN?!?!?

So I gave a very brief update about what happened to me on Thursday and now I would like to elaborate. Not just for the sake of venting but one day I hope to be able to look back on this experience as a leaning experience. Right now I do not see it quite that way as I am still in the thick of it and pretty sedated on anxiety meds (which this will be the last I take of them as I have found something natural from the Health Food store today!

Thursday, at least I think it was Thursday looking at the last time I posted. It all start at 12:00 noon when I got to my therapist office, I went through a session that left me vulnerable, after which I drove next door to the Gas station to fill up my tank which I do every Thursday after session because gas is cheap in that area compared with min almost a .25 per gallon difference!

While I was pumping my gas I noticed this guy who looked shady (I try not to stereotype which is pretty hard not to do when someone is looking at you like they wanna kill you) anyways, he kept staring at me so hard that I was totally uncomfortable and since I felt vulnurable I had to courage to stare him down. So I kept my eyes down and whenever I looked up at him he was still staring, anyways I finished pumping my gas and left and went home. So during that time as he was staring at me it brought up feelings of shame and guilt from my assault so long ago. And then I lost it, I went home and packed a bag that contained paper, pen, knife, scissors and 2 razors, I then drove to  a remote place and started writing letter to everyone telling them I was sorry for what I was about to do, I put them in an envelope and taped it to the steering wheel on the front it had my info, where I lived, emergency contact etc… and then I proceeded to cut…..

At first I start just slicing up my arms like when I am S/H but this was more intense I did it so many times. I was bleeding and just rubbing my fingers in it (I really had lost it at this point). Then I took the knife and started tracing it on my wrist and started cutting close to my wrist at this point I felt this deep loneliness which I then called my friend. We started talking and to make a weird  story short I ended up at my house, my friend came and the police were called by my therapist (who I was on the phone with at one point yelling and waving a 7″ knife). I was taken to the hospital and watched like a hawk by the nurses by over night (even to the bathroom) I couldn’t wear any of my clothes, rings, etc….The next day I was evaluated by a pshychiatric nurse (she was very nice and told me after she found out I am a Psych Major (go figure) that she believe these experinces will make a me a better therapist) I will never see her again……

Anyways later that afternoon EMT’s came and delivered me to a Psychiatric Clinic to stay overnight and if I was still deemed a threat I was to be transported to a Psych hospital to stay for 72 hrs. When I got there I was allowed to change back in to my regular clothes THANK GOODNESS I finally started to feel normal again, Jeans never felt so comfy lol. Anyways I was then evaluated again and was told that I had to stay for 24hrs and they would re-evaluate me again in the morning. *sigh* I knew I belonged there but there were some really crazy people in there. There were people talking to themselves (Schizophrenics) people doped up on meds. There were three people 2 of which were men walking up and down the small lobby one was bending down and yelling whenever he reached the corner of the room, I finally could not take it and decided to go and lay down (I could have all my stuff except my cell phone) which left me paralyized, I had a book but could not focus. I was scared and exhausted as I had only 2hrs of sleep while at the hospital. My husband came to visit me and he tried to cheer my up but I knew he was scared for me.

My husband had to go home and then I was alone for the remainder of the night. There was a woman there and she was heavily sedated, I remember she actually said Hi and smiled at me, she introduced herself but I can’t remember her name, I think it was started . She was one the people walking up and down the lobby, she said she was trying to keep from falling asleep because of the meds by walking and how it was not good for her to be sleeping all day. There was a guy named Jack who worked there and he was sooo nice to me!! and really cool, he was like an old timer. He said “you are too young to be here”. He got me food, offered me extra blankets and a sleeping pill, I needed one cuz I was to terrified to sleep in this place. While I was waiting for the meds to kick in I said the “M” girl leave by ambulance, she was being transported to a hospital. How weird to know I will never see her again. Finally the meds kicked in and the last thing I remember while laying down is a woman who was paranoid that the world was out to get her, they were in the room across from mine and I could hear them having to give her something to sedate her as she was becoming irate. Sigh….scary

Meds kicked in and I was sleep sometime about 10pm I awoke at 7am and offered breakfast which I agreed to as I was hungry (medication side effect, I am never ever hungry at that time) . So I walk out there I now see a few new faces, people who must have come throughout the night, I was EXTREMELY GROGGY! The meds were still in my system, I have never been this groggy before. I was confused my thought process was cloudy I hated it! I sat down and started eating my breakfast (egg on an English muffin, with american cheese and tomatoe, I had no appetite (esp for such a heavy meal) but I was sooo hungry, so I took a bite and saw that the egg was runny (YUCK, i hate that!) I was not trying to be picky but man I hate runny eggs. So I ended up peeling off the english muffin and eating it and drinking the juice and going back to sleep. There was a new girl who was sharing my room who went to the bathroom (there was one is our room) left the door open and used the tissues (which were blood and pee stained) that she used to clean herself on the floor)…..Dear god!!

I was woken up again at 8:15ish I think and was told the doctor wanted to see me again to evaluate me to see if I needed to go to the hospital or if I could go home. (FYI I was just as groggy as I was before). After some questions which I don’t remember all I can remember saying was “yes I still have thoughts of suicide but no, I do not have plan” they told me to have my husband come by 9am which he got there at 9:20 I was furious he was late because after my eval I went and sat on my bed and hugged my books just staring at the clock super groggy. I found out he was there at 9 but they made him wait in the lobby. They gave me some meds that morning they said will help me feel better but it will conflict with the meds in my system initially and make me groggier. We then went home and I slept and slept and slept all day and night for 2 days its all a blur I remember drifting in and out of consciencness, wandering around the house, eating drinking and sleeping.

Yesterday I had a melt down and almost ended up back at the hospital, feelings triggered from my assault which spiked y anxiety levels. I ended up just coming home and medicating myself on Seroquel. Felt better and because I do not like meds and I prefer natural stuff I went to a Health Food Store today and the lady there recommended a “Gaba” product and I bought it and took it today. Whoa this stuff is niice! I do not feel groggy, just mellow and relaxed. I can’t deny the thoughts of suicide are there but they are definetly way more manageable then before. Without the nasty side effects of the other meds (Confusion, extreme hunger, bloody nose, stiff joint pain)

I know a lot of this pain and issues I have stems from my feelings of shame and guilt from my assault and that is what my therapist wants to start tackling but I need to be stable first and so I hope this herbs that I am taking will help do that and we can finally tackle this problem once and for all. I have not been writing too much lately because of school. I was taking a Soc and Psych class, this semester I have 4 classes (not sure how many I am going to keep considering what my life is like now, we’ll see) I have a Psych, Writing, Art Hist and Bio class. Plus Math tutoring. It could go either way, either these classes keep my nice and distracted or they will be a weight that I might have to let go of. Only time will tell….Class starts Monday and I already have homework to do (my Bio Professor emailed me) ….joy (I must say I thoroughly enjoyed me Soc class, so much so I was thinking of majoring in it, but my Professor said I should minor in it as I will have more opportunities as a Psychologist then a Sociologist, so that’s what I plan on doing. I am even taking his Social Psych class this Fall.

I should be able to write more now that I downloaded the WordPress app on my phone.

Feels weird knowing I was in a Mental Hospital….Sigh….One day I hope to look back and be able to tell this store to younger people to warn them to get help before they end up in a Psych ward like I did.

(sorry I do not proof read, I would not do it in my journal and I ain’t doin it here)

Where is my antacid????

I want to cut so badly tonight……what stops me is I am too exhausted to go get my razor and I need to use the restroom and I am burning up with a slight fever…..I have no desire to sleep and I feel to miserable to sleep.  I do not have my trusty nyquil to sleep……….

I want this night to end, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow……………..

(P.S. My new therapist is working out) GOD, can Thursday come quicker???????

Doesn’t help that I started my period yesterday does it??????

Can I add that I have heart burn and am hungry for something that I do not have in this house!!!!!! I a thirsty but to tired to get up…….I don’t want school to start in 2 days!!!

Again I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I want this night to END!!!!

Actually make that this who god damn year and a half to end!!! pleeeeeeeease make it stop!!

 

Where is my antacid????

Deep Burgundy

Its amazing how arousing the color red is to me ever since I started cutting, but not just the color red but a red liquid. I had mentioned before that I noticed this sensation when I first poured a new bottle of red body wash onto my puff in the shower. It was seriously arousing. Which is weird because before cutting I would not feel this way. I had a bottle of red body wash before. 

Cutting is starting to become kinda sexual, I guess because cutting releases endorphins similar to sex….I wonder if that could be it?

Anyways, from the bodywash incident I had the idea to paint using red paints. I went to an arts and crafts store and bought several shades of red “Fire Engine, True Red, Ebony Black and Deep Burgundy” , got home and started painting (I used regular printer paper, I did not want to spend 8.99 + on a painting pad. It felt really good to those reds…..I used my fingers (when I bleed after I cut I like to use my fingers and make streaks on my arm), I used a paint brush and I really liked it alot. I noticed later while I was out that some was still on my arm and again, feelings of arousal came back again just at the sight of it I imagined the pain of the slicing and saw the color that felt very comforting. 

So when I got home I had to see which of the three reds created that near-perfect color on my arm….Deep Burgundy was the winner! Yes I am still sick lol but as my Therapist said “we are trying to minimize the damage”…….

FYI: I cannot paint at all lol, so all my work is ABSTRACT…….(Thats my story and I am stickin to it!) lol

‘Final’ Cut

Its been a little while since I posted, but I have been pretty busy, some good and some bad. First, I took my first final in 12 years (((hip hip hooray))) I took an excel class in order to be able to add it to my resume. It was an 8 week class, I skipped 3 weeks though but I did all of my homework, mid term and final and I ended up getting a ‘C’ which I am very proud of lol……

I had planned on taking several art classes through the summer but after taking this class and talking to a friend I was inspired to go to school for ‘real’ this time and get my A.A.

I have been very scared to do so because I fear that I am not smart enough (I don’t even have my high school diploma ‘yet’). I am 26 almost 27 years old and I ‘feel’ old. *Sigh* I do not want to turn 30 ad not have a degree to my name.

I have always considered going to school fashion design or baking and pastry because I already have talents for it. But actually there  is nothing wrong if I choose one of these if I do because I am passionate about it not because I am scared that I am not ‘smart enough’ to get a degree and it will ‘take too long’ (but time is passing anyway). 

I had thought about just getting my AA and then going to get my certificate to do heart ultrasounds but AGAIN I would be doing that out of fear, not because I am passionate about it.

So what I REALLY have been wanting to do deep down and for yeeears is Psychology. Which has always seemed so daunting because it means I have to get a Masters degree. I guess I never thought I would be capable  doing it. But you know what I finally think I am starting to believe in myself. Whodathunkit?

So I enrolled in 3 classes for this summer the start of my AA……I thought I was going to have to give up all of my art classes, but I found out that one of them (Charcoal Art) starts the day AFTER my finals. Yes! That plus a party will be my celebration of the beginning.

I have had a few setbacks, 1st this week I saw my 2nd therapist for the 2nd and last time. I do NOT like her. She made comments that were full of judgement and she has a kind of patronizing disposition. I am not comfortable with her. One good thing out of that was that I seriously appreciate my current therapist even MORE and I plan on telling him so this Wednesday.

The other set back was the fact that I cut myself the other night. I was super overwhelmed and I had had a panic attack earlier twice in public. I also smelled a smell that took me back to my past. The cut was pretty deep (deepest yet) and I cut over and over about 8 times and it was a lot of blood. I must own up to the fact that I felt pretty satisfied about it…sad I know 

So all in all a balanced week I guess LOL….

Peace-

Distractions do not work

I am counting the days until my counseling appointment which is Wednesday and + I have another one on Thursday.

So as part of my homework from my I am documenting my depressed moments.

___________________

I have been having moments of extreme sadness without any major triggers. It usually comes because I have no distractions. Even when the distractions come I find no happiness in them but its usually enough  not to feel the deep ball of sadness in the pit of stomach. That feeling usually manifest itself when all distractions are gone.

I do not know what to do because I feel so numb, I ended up cutting so I can feel something. I haven’t cried in months and only once at that time and before that it was months….

I have not cut in 6 days

Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks

Clarity

So, I applied for a job a few weeks back and have been told since then that to “please be patient as they are working out some issues”. So all I can do is wait, I have no idea if I officially have the job or not which is very frustrating….

I will be very disappointed if I do not get the job but I do have a back-up plan, which is to go back to school full time. Not sure what my major will be but I still have to finish my General-Ed. If I do get the job then I will still go to school but part time. 

I am proof positive that you really should sit down with your kids and discuss with them what would they like to be, show them college options (affordable of course). My mom never did that and by the time I was in highschool  I really did not think there was anything else after that. I mean I heard of college but I only saw it for other people, I did not see it for myself…..I did not even know what an AA vs. BA vs. Masters was until I had hit 22!

So I dropped out of my final year in High school (bad mistake) and went about my life with no goals set for myself. I had no dreams of what I could or wanted to become. Since then I have had jobs that paid good, I have volunteered a lot in place of actual school which has helped me a lot on my resume. 

But what I lack now is the self confidence as well as the dreams of my future. On one hand I am successful in certain areas  of my life and in the other I feel like a “high school drop-out loser” and with the whole depression that I am going through and in counseling for my past abuse issues; that feeling does not help.

I have moped for a long time about it and its time for me to do something about it. A part of me dreads going back to school because I really do not want to do my AA, it seems so boring. But for a person who has no clarity on what I want I guess its a good thing to be exposed to many different areas of study. 

So to start taking care of myself I did something I had not done before which is take my assessment for Mathand English at my community college. I have taken random classes but never buckling down for my AA. I did pretty good in English (because I read alooooot lol) 93% score my math on the other hand LOL, 26%…….

Anyways, its all good I will do it….Slow and steady wins the race right?

Well a lot still rides on this job because it determines how many and which classes to take…. *sigh* they said by middle of this coming week I should find out……. *sigh*

The stress is seriously making me want to s/h right now but I am not, I have been keeping myself busy and using some of the techniques that he suggested. I drew on my arm with markers and used a plastic butter knife to have a little of the feeling but “minimizing the damage” (what my counselor says) because it did not puncture the skin….

I hate the waiting game……

I still have my counseling homework to work on, I have done some of it because I have no s/h so far this week, but I still have not found my safe place…

Hope everyone is having a good weekend…..

Safe place to cope

Today I had my session with my Counselor, I will refer to him as Y.  We talk about the cutting and I told him that the only reason why I did not cut for the last 24 hours was because he returned my call 2 days ago and told me if I felt like cutting to call him first. Since he told me that I stopped cutting because I did not want to disturb him.

He pretty much said “while I appreciate the thoughtfulness, please know that’s why I am here, so call me”……He also said “Its again nice you think of others but it should not be at the expense of yourself, and you need to learn how to have thoughtfulness like this to yourself…..

I am really big on not wanting to bother people and want to keep everyone happy with me…in essence I am a people pleaser. I guess it started back with my mom who was a drill sergeant. She would monitor eveything about me. She would say “why are you standing like that” “why did you get the look on your face when I said that” “I know what your thinking” “I can “read” between the lines” and that started at 7! So I became a master at hiding my emotions and being careful of everything I said or did because I worried about how it would be interpreted! At 7! 

So since then I have always been concerned about what people think of me and how they envision me and soon through therapy once I deal with the other 18 million problems I have then I can get to that one….

Its crazy the type of composure I have. When my mom came home the day after I was Gang-R (assaulted) and just that morning I had slit my wrists (which when I realized it had not worked, I cleaned myself up and laid down) when she came home and asked how I was (mind you she was high on Coke) I told her I was fine, and I did that because I saw the look in her eyes, it was like she needed me to be okay….and being the people pleaser I had become I complied….

I was also molested earlier in my childhood at the age of 6, and again at 8…….thats a whole nother post! lol

Anyways we talked about ways to handle the cutting which he says is “Poor coping mechanisms” which I agree. So I need to learn better coping skills. 

He gave me some suggestions, which he says exhaust all of these first before resorting to that…..(advice given to him by people who use to cut)

1. Use a red marker and mark the places that I would cut

2. Rub Ice on the areas I would want to cut

3. I told him I like to color LOL, and he said “try that, since I am keeping my hands occupied”

4. He said some people get a box with sand and run their hands 

5. Some people knead bread dough (which you can buy some from the freezer section

6. Also after trying some of these ideas and if they do not work he said 

“CALL ME”

He gave me a number that I can reach him instantly….

So my homework this week is:

#1. Create Safe Place

Since this whole cutting episode was triggered (you can read it here: https://agirlnamedjenna.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/less_worse/ ) and he told me there will be other things that will trigger it (sounds, words, smells) and since I only feel comfortable talking about the assault in his office then he said  I wont always be in the safety of his office then the ideal is to create a safety net in my mind by envisioning my safety place that he wants me to figure out.

#2. Work on not cutting by exhausting my options first……

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Virginia Woolf