Posts Tagged ‘ending’

WHERE DO I BEGIN?!?!?

So I gave a very brief update about what happened to me on Thursday and now I would like to elaborate. Not just for the sake of venting but one day I hope to be able to look back on this experience as a leaning experience. Right now I do not see it quite that way as I am still in the thick of it and pretty sedated on anxiety meds (which this will be the last I take of them as I have found something natural from the Health Food store today!

Thursday, at least I think it was Thursday looking at the last time I posted. It all start at 12:00 noon when I got to my therapist office, I went through a session that left me vulnerable, after which I drove next door to the Gas station to fill up my tank which I do every Thursday after session because gas is cheap in that area compared with min almost a .25 per gallon difference!

While I was pumping my gas I noticed this guy who looked shady (I try not to stereotype which is pretty hard not to do when someone is looking at you like they wanna kill you) anyways, he kept staring at me so hard that I was totally uncomfortable and since I felt vulnurable I had to courage to stare him down. So I kept my eyes down and whenever I looked up at him he was still staring, anyways I finished pumping my gas and left and went home. So during that time as he was staring at me it brought up feelings of shame and guilt from my assault so long ago. And then I lost it, I went home and packed a bag that contained paper, pen, knife, scissors and 2 razors, I then drove to  a remote place and started writing letter to everyone telling them I was sorry for what I was about to do, I put them in an envelope and taped it to the steering wheel on the front it had my info, where I lived, emergency contact etc… and then I proceeded to cut…..

At first I start just slicing up my arms like when I am S/H but this was more intense I did it so many times. I was bleeding and just rubbing my fingers in it (I really had lost it at this point). Then I took the knife and started tracing it on my wrist and started cutting close to my wrist at this point I felt this deep loneliness which I then called my friend. We started talking and to make a weird  story short I ended up at my house, my friend came and the police were called by my therapist (who I was on the phone with at one point yelling and waving a 7″ knife). I was taken to the hospital and watched like a hawk by the nurses by over night (even to the bathroom) I couldn’t wear any of my clothes, rings, etc….The next day I was evaluated by a pshychiatric nurse (she was very nice and told me after she found out I am a Psych Major (go figure) that she believe these experinces will make a me a better therapist) I will never see her again……

Anyways later that afternoon EMT’s came and delivered me to a Psychiatric Clinic to stay overnight and if I was still deemed a threat I was to be transported to a Psych hospital to stay for 72 hrs. When I got there I was allowed to change back in to my regular clothes THANK GOODNESS I finally started to feel normal again, Jeans never felt so comfy lol. Anyways I was then evaluated again and was told that I had to stay for 24hrs and they would re-evaluate me again in the morning. *sigh* I knew I belonged there but there were some really crazy people in there. There were people talking to themselves (Schizophrenics) people doped up on meds. There were three people 2 of which were men walking up and down the small lobby one was bending down and yelling whenever he reached the corner of the room, I finally could not take it and decided to go and lay down (I could have all my stuff except my cell phone) which left me paralyized, I had a book but could not focus. I was scared and exhausted as I had only 2hrs of sleep while at the hospital. My husband came to visit me and he tried to cheer my up but I knew he was scared for me.

My husband had to go home and then I was alone for the remainder of the night. There was a woman there and she was heavily sedated, I remember she actually said Hi and smiled at me, she introduced herself but I can’t remember her name, I think it was started . She was one the people walking up and down the lobby, she said she was trying to keep from falling asleep because of the meds by walking and how it was not good for her to be sleeping all day. There was a guy named Jack who worked there and he was sooo nice to me!! and really cool, he was like an old timer. He said “you are too young to be here”. He got me food, offered me extra blankets and a sleeping pill, I needed one cuz I was to terrified to sleep in this place. While I was waiting for the meds to kick in I said the “M” girl leave by ambulance, she was being transported to a hospital. How weird to know I will never see her again. Finally the meds kicked in and the last thing I remember while laying down is a woman who was paranoid that the world was out to get her, they were in the room across from mine and I could hear them having to give her something to sedate her as she was becoming irate. Sigh….scary

Meds kicked in and I was sleep sometime about 10pm I awoke at 7am and offered breakfast which I agreed to as I was hungry (medication side effect, I am never ever hungry at that time) . So I walk out there I now see a few new faces, people who must have come throughout the night, I was EXTREMELY GROGGY! The meds were still in my system, I have never been this groggy before. I was confused my thought process was cloudy I hated it! I sat down and started eating my breakfast (egg on an English muffin, with american cheese and tomatoe, I had no appetite (esp for such a heavy meal) but I was sooo hungry, so I took a bite and saw that the egg was runny (YUCK, i hate that!) I was not trying to be picky but man I hate runny eggs. So I ended up peeling off the english muffin and eating it and drinking the juice and going back to sleep. There was a new girl who was sharing my room who went to the bathroom (there was one is our room) left the door open and used the tissues (which were blood and pee stained) that she used to clean herself on the floor)…..Dear god!!

I was woken up again at 8:15ish I think and was told the doctor wanted to see me again to evaluate me to see if I needed to go to the hospital or if I could go home. (FYI I was just as groggy as I was before). After some questions which I don’t remember all I can remember saying was “yes I still have thoughts of suicide but no, I do not have plan” they told me to have my husband come by 9am which he got there at 9:20 I was furious he was late because after my eval I went and sat on my bed and hugged my books just staring at the clock super groggy. I found out he was there at 9 but they made him wait in the lobby. They gave me some meds that morning they said will help me feel better but it will conflict with the meds in my system initially and make me groggier. We then went home and I slept and slept and slept all day and night for 2 days its all a blur I remember drifting in and out of consciencness, wandering around the house, eating drinking and sleeping.

Yesterday I had a melt down and almost ended up back at the hospital, feelings triggered from my assault which spiked y anxiety levels. I ended up just coming home and medicating myself on Seroquel. Felt better and because I do not like meds and I prefer natural stuff I went to a Health Food Store today and the lady there recommended a “Gaba” product and I bought it and took it today. Whoa this stuff is niice! I do not feel groggy, just mellow and relaxed. I can’t deny the thoughts of suicide are there but they are definetly way more manageable then before. Without the nasty side effects of the other meds (Confusion, extreme hunger, bloody nose, stiff joint pain)

I know a lot of this pain and issues I have stems from my feelings of shame and guilt from my assault and that is what my therapist wants to start tackling but I need to be stable first and so I hope this herbs that I am taking will help do that and we can finally tackle this problem once and for all. I have not been writing too much lately because of school. I was taking a Soc and Psych class, this semester I have 4 classes (not sure how many I am going to keep considering what my life is like now, we’ll see) I have a Psych, Writing, Art Hist and Bio class. Plus Math tutoring. It could go either way, either these classes keep my nice and distracted or they will be a weight that I might have to let go of. Only time will tell….Class starts Monday and I already have homework to do (my Bio Professor emailed me) ….joy (I must say I thoroughly enjoyed me Soc class, so much so I was thinking of majoring in it, but my Professor said I should minor in it as I will have more opportunities as a Psychologist then a Sociologist, so that’s what I plan on doing. I am even taking his Social Psych class this Fall.

I should be able to write more now that I downloaded the WordPress app on my phone.

Feels weird knowing I was in a Mental Hospital….Sigh….One day I hope to look back and be able to tell this store to younger people to warn them to get help before they end up in a Psych ward like I did.

(sorry I do not proof read, I would not do it in my journal and I ain’t doin it here)

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I want to cut so badly tonight……what stops me is I am too exhausted to go get my razor and I need to use the restroom and I am burning up with a slight fever…..I have no desire to sleep and I feel to miserable to sleep.  I do not have my trusty nyquil to sleep……….

I want this night to end, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow……………..

(P.S. My new therapist is working out) GOD, can Thursday come quicker???????

Doesn’t help that I started my period yesterday does it??????

Can I add that I have heart burn and am hungry for something that I do not have in this house!!!!!! I a thirsty but to tired to get up…….I don’t want school to start in 2 days!!!

Again I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I want this night to END!!!!

Actually make that this who god damn year and a half to end!!! pleeeeeeeease make it stop!!

 

Where is my antacid????

So, I have a new counselor, I still have my other one “Y” but I have another one “M” , I saw her today and it was hard because I had to open up and tell my whole story, which actually is not too hard for me as I am very disconnected with my past. Anyways at the end of the session she gave me homework. Whenever I feel a depressive state coming on or I feel like cutting I am to journal it down and I will share it with her on our next appointment date so she can see my thought process and the hope is to change it….We shall see….

__________________

I dropped a friend of mine off today at home, we spent a day visiting a mutual friend and as soon as I dropped her off I felt seriously depressed and down, I was already feeling that earlier even while I was with her but not as strong as when she left.  I felt like cutting as soon as I drove away and my guess is that the distraction of her being there helped keep my mind off of things a lot but not entirely like it use to be. I used to be able to seriously be distracted and be chipper and happy but not anymore, now exciting things do work anymore. I can be doing something I love and find absolutly no interest in it.


Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks

Today I had my session with my Counselor, I will refer to him as Y.  We talk about the cutting and I told him that the only reason why I did not cut for the last 24 hours was because he returned my call 2 days ago and told me if I felt like cutting to call him first. Since he told me that I stopped cutting because I did not want to disturb him.

He pretty much said “while I appreciate the thoughtfulness, please know that’s why I am here, so call me”……He also said “Its again nice you think of others but it should not be at the expense of yourself, and you need to learn how to have thoughtfulness like this to yourself…..

I am really big on not wanting to bother people and want to keep everyone happy with me…in essence I am a people pleaser. I guess it started back with my mom who was a drill sergeant. She would monitor eveything about me. She would say “why are you standing like that” “why did you get the look on your face when I said that” “I know what your thinking” “I can “read” between the lines” and that started at 7! So I became a master at hiding my emotions and being careful of everything I said or did because I worried about how it would be interpreted! At 7! 

So since then I have always been concerned about what people think of me and how they envision me and soon through therapy once I deal with the other 18 million problems I have then I can get to that one….

Its crazy the type of composure I have. When my mom came home the day after I was Gang-R (assaulted) and just that morning I had slit my wrists (which when I realized it had not worked, I cleaned myself up and laid down) when she came home and asked how I was (mind you she was high on Coke) I told her I was fine, and I did that because I saw the look in her eyes, it was like she needed me to be okay….and being the people pleaser I had become I complied….

I was also molested earlier in my childhood at the age of 6, and again at 8…….thats a whole nother post! lol

Anyways we talked about ways to handle the cutting which he says is “Poor coping mechanisms” which I agree. So I need to learn better coping skills. 

He gave me some suggestions, which he says exhaust all of these first before resorting to that…..(advice given to him by people who use to cut)

1. Use a red marker and mark the places that I would cut

2. Rub Ice on the areas I would want to cut

3. I told him I like to color LOL, and he said “try that, since I am keeping my hands occupied”

4. He said some people get a box with sand and run their hands 

5. Some people knead bread dough (which you can buy some from the freezer section

6. Also after trying some of these ideas and if they do not work he said 

“CALL ME”

He gave me a number that I can reach him instantly….

So my homework this week is:

#1. Create Safe Place

Since this whole cutting episode was triggered (you can read it here: https://agirlnamedjenna.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/less_worse/ ) and he told me there will be other things that will trigger it (sounds, words, smells) and since I only feel comfortable talking about the assault in his office then he said  I wont always be in the safety of his office then the ideal is to create a safety net in my mind by envisioning my safety place that he wants me to figure out.

#2. Work on not cutting by exhausting my options first……

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Virginia Woolf




I am sitting here on my sofa, feeling numb and disconnected……I feel completely detached from my surroundings, no desire to to do anything at the moment no matter how fun it is….I can’t think of anything that will make me feel better but getting in bed which I cannot do because I have things I have to do. 

A lot of time people do not understand what I am going through because I am very good at laughing and seeming like I am normal….when I am far from it……..

I am a functioning mental patient…..

 

My arm hurts and its the only thing that seems real……

Never start cutting it is so hard to stop…….

Okay so I went to my friends house and made breakfast for her, she was happy…..I made Jalapeño (to do the ñ, press and hold Alt and hit the numbers 164) chicken sausage, bagels and cream cheese and hot cocoa…..Simple but it was really good. I ended up leaving a few hours later and I just got home. 

Buuut as soon as I left her house thoughts of suicide hit me and I thought to myself ways that I could kill myself. I know I am capable of it. 

#1. I have tried it before when I was 10, the day after I was assaulted by three guys (R-word is too hard for me to type in the same sentence of talking about myself) I slashed both of my wrists. Needless to say it did not work.

#2. I am not trying to get attention, I am seriously capable of doing it. 

Almost every time I have the feeling I make a conscience choice not to do it. I know all the fluff about not doing etc….. but its still hard….

I think what triggered it was a joke one of my friends made about having her pepper spray handy in case someone tries to assault her. And she turned around and pretended to use it and made this funny face which everyone laughed (even me, even though I did not want too and no, she does not know about my situation) anyway it triggered all these feelings and memories that I have had about what happened. And since that night I relapsed and started cutting again.

So today I got home with this huuuge drive of wanting to kill myself, so I grabbed the razor for cutting and cut and cut over the same wound over and over and until it bled, and I did it in two areas  ):

I do feel better and it IS less worse then slashing my wrist……. again……..


Counting the days till my counseling session on Wednesday……..