The Voices

I texted my therapist something today. I had a panic attack today. I was sitting on the couch with my laptop looking up homemade soap recipes, and all of a sudden my heart started racing and my breathing was shallow and my face and ears got hot and I realized I was having a panic attack. I then remembered my therapists words about trying to find out what triggered it. So I thought back, nothing I was doing online could have triggered it so it had to be something I was thinking and I started going back in my thoughts right before it started and all I could remember was hearing a voice saying you are worthless, you are stupid, and then I heard what sounded like at least 5 or so voices with different pitches high and low talking at once with an indistinctive chatter that I could not make out exactly. Then the panic attack started. This is not the first time I hear the “voices” in my head. Anyways I am supposed to start documenting them so this is just the beginning……….

 

oh yeah I cut today……

 

 

g’night

Deep Burgundy

Its amazing how arousing the color red is to me ever since I started cutting, but not just the color red but a red liquid. I had mentioned before that I noticed this sensation when I first poured a new bottle of red body wash onto my puff in the shower. It was seriously arousing. Which is weird because before cutting I would not feel this way. I had a bottle of red body wash before. 

Cutting is starting to become kinda sexual, I guess because cutting releases endorphins similar to sex….I wonder if that could be it?

Anyways, from the bodywash incident I had the idea to paint using red paints. I went to an arts and crafts store and bought several shades of red “Fire Engine, True Red, Ebony Black and Deep Burgundy” , got home and started painting (I used regular printer paper, I did not want to spend 8.99 + on a painting pad. It felt really good to those reds…..I used my fingers (when I bleed after I cut I like to use my fingers and make streaks on my arm), I used a paint brush and I really liked it alot. I noticed later while I was out that some was still on my arm and again, feelings of arousal came back again just at the sight of it I imagined the pain of the slicing and saw the color that felt very comforting. 

So when I got home I had to see which of the three reds created that near-perfect color on my arm….Deep Burgundy was the winner! Yes I am still sick lol but as my Therapist said “we are trying to minimize the damage”…….

FYI: I cannot paint at all lol, so all my work is ABSTRACT…….(Thats my story and I am stickin to it!) lol

Two Counselors

So, I have a new counselor, I still have my other one “Y” but I have another one “M” , I saw her today and it was hard because I had to open up and tell my whole story, which actually is not too hard for me as I am very disconnected with my past. Anyways at the end of the session she gave me homework. Whenever I feel a depressive state coming on or I feel like cutting I am to journal it down and I will share it with her on our next appointment date so she can see my thought process and the hope is to change it….We shall see….

__________________

I dropped a friend of mine off today at home, we spent a day visiting a mutual friend and as soon as I dropped her off I felt seriously depressed and down, I was already feeling that earlier even while I was with her but not as strong as when she left.  I felt like cutting as soon as I drove away and my guess is that the distraction of her being there helped keep my mind off of things a lot but not entirely like it use to be. I used to be able to seriously be distracted and be chipper and happy but not anymore, now exciting things do work anymore. I can be doing something I love and find absolutly no interest in it.

I have not cut in 6 days

Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks

Numb

I am sitting here on my sofa, feeling numb and disconnected……I feel completely detached from my surroundings, no desire to to do anything at the moment no matter how fun it is….I can’t think of anything that will make me feel better but getting in bed which I cannot do because I have things I have to do. 

A lot of time people do not understand what I am going through because I am very good at laughing and seeming like I am normal….when I am far from it……..

I am a functioning mental patient…..

 

My arm hurts and its the only thing that seems real……

Never start cutting it is so hard to stop…….