Posts Tagged ‘darkness’

I texted my therapist something today. I had a panic attack today. I was sitting on the couch with my laptop looking up homemade soap recipes, and all of a sudden my heart started racing and my breathing was shallow and my face and ears got hot and I realized I was having a panic attack. I then remembered my therapists words about trying to find out what triggered it. So I thought back, nothing I was doing online could have triggered it so it had to be something I was thinking and I started going back in my thoughts right before it started and all I could remember was hearing a voice saying you are worthless, you are stupid, and then I heard what sounded like at least 5 or so voices with different pitches high and low talking at once with an indistinctive chatter that I could not make out exactly. Then the panic attack started. This is not the first time I hear the “voices” in my head. Anyways I am supposed to start documenting them so this is just the beginning……….

 

oh yeah I cut today……

 

 

g’night

I could not remember my password or the email I used to sign up for my blog, been weeks trying to figure it out and just now I have lol. Been wanting to post for weeks!

Anyways lots going on. I ended up quiting 2 of the my 3 classes because they were super overwhelming for me. I was taking Math, Bio, and Social Psych. I am only take Social Psych which is a pretty easy class and is part of my major, but I am falling kinda behind because of my life which is as usual falling apart.

I am currently in the middle of a divorce which may or may not go through it all depends on me. The things for 15 years I wanted my spouse to change has finally happened and I have to decide if I am able to accept the change and move on in this relationship or not. Currently I have chosen divorce but we will see if that happens. I do not have a job and we do have 3 kids together. I think I mainly started the divorce because for the first time in my life I wanted to have control which I do not feel that I have. He has been very supportive either route that I choose. He is a model person despite his mistakes (which he has recognizes, and is currently in 2 types of group therapy and in individual therapy as well, so I know he working on changing). I do not know what I am going to do right now I am super confused.

My emotions are so distant and part of me feels like I want to go and check myself back in the clinic but I do not think that would be a good idea as I will end up heavily medicated and also receive another 3,000 dollar bill in the mail like last time which I have not even started to pay off……I think it have done me better to have spent a week in swanky hotel then stay in that scary place. Who knows….

Last Thursday my therapist feels that I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) due to my complete emotional disconnect that I have as well as a whole host of other things. She does want to put my on meds just a little while to curb the anxiety and the impulsivity to S/H. I do agree with her, she said nothing major just enough to take the edge off and calm me down a bit. I do scare myself  how disconnected I can get and how numb that makes me. Thats how I ended up at the park in that suicide attempt.

I have been cutting, mainly my legs so its not so noticable. My husband does not really know as we have not had sex in over 3 months (due to the problems that came up) so its not like he has seen my legs lol.

I do miss sex….sorry random rant…..

anyway….this emptiness that I feel is absolutely incredible. Its like a unfillable void in my very soul. I have barely any emotions about anything. When most people would cry or be sad about something I feel nothing but emptiness. When I laugh I am mostly fake and do what is expected of me. Alot of times I feel I dont even have an opinion about things. I feel like I just go along with whatever the person in front of me says. Even down to preference of Ice Cream, if someone says “they dont like a flavor” I will demean the flavor even if its one of my favorites.

I do not know who I am, I have ZERO sense of self. Even though I do agree of Cooley and Goffman’s theory of Self. But I do not have a sense of that sense of self lol…….Sorry I am a Psych/Soc major lol

I want to scream but I can’t, I want to throw things, but I can’t, I want to cry, but I can’t. But then I do not want to do any of those things as I see them as weakness. Its an awful vicious cycle.

God I want this to end I want to Feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING other then NUMBNESS AND EMPTINESS….

WHERE DO I BEGIN?!?!?

So I gave a very brief update about what happened to me on Thursday and now I would like to elaborate. Not just for the sake of venting but one day I hope to be able to look back on this experience as a leaning experience. Right now I do not see it quite that way as I am still in the thick of it and pretty sedated on anxiety meds (which this will be the last I take of them as I have found something natural from the Health Food store today!

Thursday, at least I think it was Thursday looking at the last time I posted. It all start at 12:00 noon when I got to my therapist office, I went through a session that left me vulnerable, after which I drove next door to the Gas station to fill up my tank which I do every Thursday after session because gas is cheap in that area compared with min almost a .25 per gallon difference!

While I was pumping my gas I noticed this guy who looked shady (I try not to stereotype which is pretty hard not to do when someone is looking at you like they wanna kill you) anyways, he kept staring at me so hard that I was totally uncomfortable and since I felt vulnurable I had to courage to stare him down. So I kept my eyes down and whenever I looked up at him he was still staring, anyways I finished pumping my gas and left and went home. So during that time as he was staring at me it brought up feelings of shame and guilt from my assault so long ago. And then I lost it, I went home and packed a bag that contained paper, pen, knife, scissors and 2 razors, I then drove to  a remote place and started writing letter to everyone telling them I was sorry for what I was about to do, I put them in an envelope and taped it to the steering wheel on the front it had my info, where I lived, emergency contact etc… and then I proceeded to cut…..

At first I start just slicing up my arms like when I am S/H but this was more intense I did it so many times. I was bleeding and just rubbing my fingers in it (I really had lost it at this point). Then I took the knife and started tracing it on my wrist and started cutting close to my wrist at this point I felt this deep loneliness which I then called my friend. We started talking and to make a weird  story short I ended up at my house, my friend came and the police were called by my therapist (who I was on the phone with at one point yelling and waving a 7″ knife). I was taken to the hospital and watched like a hawk by the nurses by over night (even to the bathroom) I couldn’t wear any of my clothes, rings, etc….The next day I was evaluated by a pshychiatric nurse (she was very nice and told me after she found out I am a Psych Major (go figure) that she believe these experinces will make a me a better therapist) I will never see her again……

Anyways later that afternoon EMT’s came and delivered me to a Psychiatric Clinic to stay overnight and if I was still deemed a threat I was to be transported to a Psych hospital to stay for 72 hrs. When I got there I was allowed to change back in to my regular clothes THANK GOODNESS I finally started to feel normal again, Jeans never felt so comfy lol. Anyways I was then evaluated again and was told that I had to stay for 24hrs and they would re-evaluate me again in the morning. *sigh* I knew I belonged there but there were some really crazy people in there. There were people talking to themselves (Schizophrenics) people doped up on meds. There were three people 2 of which were men walking up and down the small lobby one was bending down and yelling whenever he reached the corner of the room, I finally could not take it and decided to go and lay down (I could have all my stuff except my cell phone) which left me paralyized, I had a book but could not focus. I was scared and exhausted as I had only 2hrs of sleep while at the hospital. My husband came to visit me and he tried to cheer my up but I knew he was scared for me.

My husband had to go home and then I was alone for the remainder of the night. There was a woman there and she was heavily sedated, I remember she actually said Hi and smiled at me, she introduced herself but I can’t remember her name, I think it was started . She was one the people walking up and down the lobby, she said she was trying to keep from falling asleep because of the meds by walking and how it was not good for her to be sleeping all day. There was a guy named Jack who worked there and he was sooo nice to me!! and really cool, he was like an old timer. He said “you are too young to be here”. He got me food, offered me extra blankets and a sleeping pill, I needed one cuz I was to terrified to sleep in this place. While I was waiting for the meds to kick in I said the “M” girl leave by ambulance, she was being transported to a hospital. How weird to know I will never see her again. Finally the meds kicked in and the last thing I remember while laying down is a woman who was paranoid that the world was out to get her, they were in the room across from mine and I could hear them having to give her something to sedate her as she was becoming irate. Sigh….scary

Meds kicked in and I was sleep sometime about 10pm I awoke at 7am and offered breakfast which I agreed to as I was hungry (medication side effect, I am never ever hungry at that time) . So I walk out there I now see a few new faces, people who must have come throughout the night, I was EXTREMELY GROGGY! The meds were still in my system, I have never been this groggy before. I was confused my thought process was cloudy I hated it! I sat down and started eating my breakfast (egg on an English muffin, with american cheese and tomatoe, I had no appetite (esp for such a heavy meal) but I was sooo hungry, so I took a bite and saw that the egg was runny (YUCK, i hate that!) I was not trying to be picky but man I hate runny eggs. So I ended up peeling off the english muffin and eating it and drinking the juice and going back to sleep. There was a new girl who was sharing my room who went to the bathroom (there was one is our room) left the door open and used the tissues (which were blood and pee stained) that she used to clean herself on the floor)…..Dear god!!

I was woken up again at 8:15ish I think and was told the doctor wanted to see me again to evaluate me to see if I needed to go to the hospital or if I could go home. (FYI I was just as groggy as I was before). After some questions which I don’t remember all I can remember saying was “yes I still have thoughts of suicide but no, I do not have plan” they told me to have my husband come by 9am which he got there at 9:20 I was furious he was late because after my eval I went and sat on my bed and hugged my books just staring at the clock super groggy. I found out he was there at 9 but they made him wait in the lobby. They gave me some meds that morning they said will help me feel better but it will conflict with the meds in my system initially and make me groggier. We then went home and I slept and slept and slept all day and night for 2 days its all a blur I remember drifting in and out of consciencness, wandering around the house, eating drinking and sleeping.

Yesterday I had a melt down and almost ended up back at the hospital, feelings triggered from my assault which spiked y anxiety levels. I ended up just coming home and medicating myself on Seroquel. Felt better and because I do not like meds and I prefer natural stuff I went to a Health Food Store today and the lady there recommended a “Gaba” product and I bought it and took it today. Whoa this stuff is niice! I do not feel groggy, just mellow and relaxed. I can’t deny the thoughts of suicide are there but they are definetly way more manageable then before. Without the nasty side effects of the other meds (Confusion, extreme hunger, bloody nose, stiff joint pain)

I know a lot of this pain and issues I have stems from my feelings of shame and guilt from my assault and that is what my therapist wants to start tackling but I need to be stable first and so I hope this herbs that I am taking will help do that and we can finally tackle this problem once and for all. I have not been writing too much lately because of school. I was taking a Soc and Psych class, this semester I have 4 classes (not sure how many I am going to keep considering what my life is like now, we’ll see) I have a Psych, Writing, Art Hist and Bio class. Plus Math tutoring. It could go either way, either these classes keep my nice and distracted or they will be a weight that I might have to let go of. Only time will tell….Class starts Monday and I already have homework to do (my Bio Professor emailed me) ….joy (I must say I thoroughly enjoyed me Soc class, so much so I was thinking of majoring in it, but my Professor said I should minor in it as I will have more opportunities as a Psychologist then a Sociologist, so that’s what I plan on doing. I am even taking his Social Psych class this Fall.

I should be able to write more now that I downloaded the WordPress app on my phone.

Feels weird knowing I was in a Mental Hospital….Sigh….One day I hope to look back and be able to tell this store to younger people to warn them to get help before they end up in a Psych ward like I did.

(sorry I do not proof read, I would not do it in my journal and I ain’t doin it here)

I want to cut so badly tonight……what stops me is I am too exhausted to go get my razor and I need to use the restroom and I am burning up with a slight fever…..I have no desire to sleep and I feel to miserable to sleep.  I do not have my trusty nyquil to sleep……….

I want this night to end, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow……………..

(P.S. My new therapist is working out) GOD, can Thursday come quicker???????

Doesn’t help that I started my period yesterday does it??????

Can I add that I have heart burn and am hungry for something that I do not have in this house!!!!!! I a thirsty but to tired to get up…….I don’t want school to start in 2 days!!!

Again I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I want this night to END!!!!

Actually make that this who god damn year and a half to end!!! pleeeeeeeease make it stop!!

 

Where is my antacid????

Its amazing how arousing the color red is to me ever since I started cutting, but not just the color red but a red liquid. I had mentioned before that I noticed this sensation when I first poured a new bottle of red body wash onto my puff in the shower. It was seriously arousing. Which is weird because before cutting I would not feel this way. I had a bottle of red body wash before. 

Cutting is starting to become kinda sexual, I guess because cutting releases endorphins similar to sex….I wonder if that could be it?

Anyways, from the bodywash incident I had the idea to paint using red paints. I went to an arts and crafts store and bought several shades of red “Fire Engine, True Red, Ebony Black and Deep Burgundy” , got home and started painting (I used regular printer paper, I did not want to spend 8.99 + on a painting pad. It felt really good to those reds…..I used my fingers (when I bleed after I cut I like to use my fingers and make streaks on my arm), I used a paint brush and I really liked it alot. I noticed later while I was out that some was still on my arm and again, feelings of arousal came back again just at the sight of it I imagined the pain of the slicing and saw the color that felt very comforting. 

So when I got home I had to see which of the three reds created that near-perfect color on my arm….Deep Burgundy was the winner! Yes I am still sick lol but as my Therapist said “we are trying to minimize the damage”…….

FYI: I cannot paint at all lol, so all my work is ABSTRACT…….(Thats my story and I am stickin to it!) lol

I am counting the days until my counseling appointment which is Wednesday and + I have another one on Thursday.

So as part of my homework from my I am documenting my depressed moments.

___________________

I have been having moments of extreme sadness without any major triggers. It usually comes because I have no distractions. Even when the distractions come I find no happiness in them but its usually enough  not to feel the deep ball of sadness in the pit of stomach. That feeling usually manifest itself when all distractions are gone.

I do not know what to do because I feel so numb, I ended up cutting so I can feel something. I haven’t cried in months and only once at that time and before that it was months….

Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks