Archive for the ‘My attempt at living’ Category

I am up up up. I was about to go to bed. I was actually on my way to lay down, I saw the bed and was rounding the corner to pull my blanket back and climb in, when I suddenly decided I want to stay up (that was at 11:23pm) and here I am still awake at 2:24am. I got an appointment with my Therapist in the morning…..

 

I have spent this time going online, reading up on the news, applying for a job (I am currently job hunting, which is definitely   not easy with 3 million people looking at that same job, but oh well I do the best that I can do and that’s all that can be done. I watched a few trailers nothing worth mentioning, I added a new movie to my instant Netflix queue (Phoebe in Wonderland) which I will be watching on Friday

 

Lol, I forgot I was typing this and it is now 3:00am I guess I should be getting to bed… You know that feeling when your eyes are heavy but you are not sleepy, that’s what this is……. Just yawned so I guess I should be headin off…

 

Good night and Good luck (great movie btw)

I could not remember my password or the email I used to sign up for my blog, been weeks trying to figure it out and just now I have lol. Been wanting to post for weeks!

Anyways lots going on. I ended up quiting 2 of the my 3 classes because they were super overwhelming for me. I was taking Math, Bio, and Social Psych. I am only take Social Psych which is a pretty easy class and is part of my major, but I am falling kinda behind because of my life which is as usual falling apart.

I am currently in the middle of a divorce which may or may not go through it all depends on me. The things for 15 years I wanted my spouse to change has finally happened and I have to decide if I am able to accept the change and move on in this relationship or not. Currently I have chosen divorce but we will see if that happens. I do not have a job and we do have 3 kids together. I think I mainly started the divorce because for the first time in my life I wanted to have control which I do not feel that I have. He has been very supportive either route that I choose. He is a model person despite his mistakes (which he has recognizes, and is currently in 2 types of group therapy and in individual therapy as well, so I know he working on changing). I do not know what I am going to do right now I am super confused.

My emotions are so distant and part of me feels like I want to go and check myself back in the clinic but I do not think that would be a good idea as I will end up heavily medicated and also receive another 3,000 dollar bill in the mail like last time which I have not even started to pay off……I think it have done me better to have spent a week in swanky hotel then stay in that scary place. Who knows….

Last Thursday my therapist feels that I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) due to my complete emotional disconnect that I have as well as a whole host of other things. She does want to put my on meds just a little while to curb the anxiety and the impulsivity to S/H. I do agree with her, she said nothing major just enough to take the edge off and calm me down a bit. I do scare myself  how disconnected I can get and how numb that makes me. Thats how I ended up at the park in that suicide attempt.

I have been cutting, mainly my legs so its not so noticable. My husband does not really know as we have not had sex in over 3 months (due to the problems that came up) so its not like he has seen my legs lol.

I do miss sex….sorry random rant…..

anyway….this emptiness that I feel is absolutely incredible. Its like a unfillable void in my very soul. I have barely any emotions about anything. When most people would cry or be sad about something I feel nothing but emptiness. When I laugh I am mostly fake and do what is expected of me. Alot of times I feel I dont even have an opinion about things. I feel like I just go along with whatever the person in front of me says. Even down to preference of Ice Cream, if someone says “they dont like a flavor” I will demean the flavor even if its one of my favorites.

I do not know who I am, I have ZERO sense of self. Even though I do agree of Cooley and Goffman’s theory of Self. But I do not have a sense of that sense of self lol…….Sorry I am a Psych/Soc major lol

I want to scream but I can’t, I want to throw things, but I can’t, I want to cry, but I can’t. But then I do not want to do any of those things as I see them as weakness. Its an awful vicious cycle.

God I want this to end I want to Feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING other then NUMBNESS AND EMPTINESS….

Today I went to FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising) with a friend to tour it since they had open house. I know I am not going to take classes there because of the $$ instead I am going to go to a local community college for Fashion Design also for my AA. I am 26 and going to go back to school to try and do something with myself.

Plus Fashion Design is mainly for me I am not sure I want to make a career out of that. I have no idea what I am going to do but I do know that I need to get my AA first and then focus on what I want to do later.

I am seriously trying to make it through the day, much less plan my whole life.

Distractions no longer work for me, I can be really sad even in the happiest of things. These walls that I built to cope with my childhood of abuse etc… is no longer working…..

This type of sadness is a very deep in the core of my soul sadness……I know its part of the process of healing but it still sucks…..

I am starting to ‘feel’ and that is weird for me and it can feel overwhelming at times (hence the cutting and suicidal thoughts).