Archive for the ‘Wednesday Counseling’ Category

Its been a little while since I posted, but I have been pretty busy, some good and some bad. First, I took my first final in 12 years (((hip hip hooray))) I took an excel class in order to be able to add it to my resume. It was an 8 week class, I skipped 3 weeks though but I did all of my homework, mid term and final and I ended up getting a ‘C’ which I am very proud of lol……

I had planned on taking several art classes through the summer but after taking this class and talking to a friend I was inspired to go to school for ‘real’ this time and get my A.A.

I have been very scared to do so because I fear that I am not smart enough (I don’t even have my high school diploma ‘yet’). I am 26 almost 27 years old and I ‘feel’ old. *Sigh* I do not want to turn 30 ad not have a degree to my name.

I have always considered going to school fashion design or baking and pastry because I already have talents for it. But actually there  is nothing wrong if I choose one of these if I do because I am passionate about it not because I am scared that I am not ‘smart enough’ to get a degree and it will ‘take too long’ (but time is passing anyway). 

I had thought about just getting my AA and then going to get my certificate to do heart ultrasounds but AGAIN I would be doing that out of fear, not because I am passionate about it.

So what I REALLY have been wanting to do deep down and for yeeears is Psychology. Which has always seemed so daunting because it means I have to get a Masters degree. I guess I never thought I would be capable  doing it. But you know what I finally think I am starting to believe in myself. Whodathunkit?

So I enrolled in 3 classes for this summer the start of my AA……I thought I was going to have to give up all of my art classes, but I found out that one of them (Charcoal Art) starts the day AFTER my finals. Yes! That plus a party will be my celebration of the beginning.

I have had a few setbacks, 1st this week I saw my 2nd therapist for the 2nd and last time. I do NOT like her. She made comments that were full of judgement and she has a kind of patronizing disposition. I am not comfortable with her. One good thing out of that was that I seriously appreciate my current therapist even MORE and I plan on telling him so this Wednesday.

The other set back was the fact that I cut myself the other night. I was super overwhelmed and I had had a panic attack earlier twice in public. I also smelled a smell that took me back to my past. The cut was pretty deep (deepest yet) and I cut over and over about 8 times and it was a lot of blood. I must own up to the fact that I felt pretty satisfied about it…sad I know 

So all in all a balanced week I guess LOL….

Peace-

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Today I had my session with my Counselor, I will refer to him as Y.  We talk about the cutting and I told him that the only reason why I did not cut for the last 24 hours was because he returned my call 2 days ago and told me if I felt like cutting to call him first. Since he told me that I stopped cutting because I did not want to disturb him.

He pretty much said “while I appreciate the thoughtfulness, please know that’s why I am here, so call me”……He also said “Its again nice you think of others but it should not be at the expense of yourself, and you need to learn how to have thoughtfulness like this to yourself…..

I am really big on not wanting to bother people and want to keep everyone happy with me…in essence I am a people pleaser. I guess it started back with my mom who was a drill sergeant. She would monitor eveything about me. She would say “why are you standing like that” “why did you get the look on your face when I said that” “I know what your thinking” “I can “read” between the lines” and that started at 7! So I became a master at hiding my emotions and being careful of everything I said or did because I worried about how it would be interpreted! At 7! 

So since then I have always been concerned about what people think of me and how they envision me and soon through therapy once I deal with the other 18 million problems I have then I can get to that one….

Its crazy the type of composure I have. When my mom came home the day after I was Gang-R (assaulted) and just that morning I had slit my wrists (which when I realized it had not worked, I cleaned myself up and laid down) when she came home and asked how I was (mind you she was high on Coke) I told her I was fine, and I did that because I saw the look in her eyes, it was like she needed me to be okay….and being the people pleaser I had become I complied….

I was also molested earlier in my childhood at the age of 6, and again at 8…….thats a whole nother post! lol

Anyways we talked about ways to handle the cutting which he says is “Poor coping mechanisms” which I agree. So I need to learn better coping skills. 

He gave me some suggestions, which he says exhaust all of these first before resorting to that…..(advice given to him by people who use to cut)

1. Use a red marker and mark the places that I would cut

2. Rub Ice on the areas I would want to cut

3. I told him I like to color LOL, and he said “try that, since I am keeping my hands occupied”

4. He said some people get a box with sand and run their hands 

5. Some people knead bread dough (which you can buy some from the freezer section

6. Also after trying some of these ideas and if they do not work he said 

“CALL ME”

He gave me a number that I can reach him instantly….

So my homework this week is:

#1. Create Safe Place

Since this whole cutting episode was triggered (you can read it here: https://agirlnamedjenna.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/less_worse/ ) and he told me there will be other things that will trigger it (sounds, words, smells) and since I only feel comfortable talking about the assault in his office then he said  I wont always be in the safety of his office then the ideal is to create a safety net in my mind by envisioning my safety place that he wants me to figure out.

#2. Work on not cutting by exhausting my options first……

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Virginia Woolf