Archive for the ‘I guess I did something right’ Category

Its amazing how arousing the color red is to me ever since I started cutting, but not just the color red but a red liquid. I had mentioned before that I noticed this sensation when I first poured a new bottle of red body wash onto my puff in the shower. It was seriously arousing. Which is weird because before cutting I would not feel this way. I had a bottle of red body wash before. 

Cutting is starting to become kinda sexual, I guess because cutting releases endorphins similar to sex….I wonder if that could be it?

Anyways, from the bodywash incident I had the idea to paint using red paints. I went to an arts and crafts store and bought several shades of red “Fire Engine, True Red, Ebony Black and Deep Burgundy” , got home and started painting (I used regular printer paper, I did not want to spend 8.99 + on a painting pad. It felt really good to those reds…..I used my fingers (when I bleed after I cut I like to use my fingers and make streaks on my arm), I used a paint brush and I really liked it alot. I noticed later while I was out that some was still on my arm and again, feelings of arousal came back again just at the sight of it I imagined the pain of the slicing and saw the color that felt very comforting. 

So when I got home I had to see which of the three reds created that near-perfect color on my arm….Deep Burgundy was the winner! Yes I am still sick lol but as my Therapist said “we are trying to minimize the damage”…….

FYI: I cannot paint at all lol, so all my work is ABSTRACT…….(Thats my story and I am stickin to it!) lol

Its been a little while since I posted, but I have been pretty busy, some good and some bad. First, I took my first final in 12 years (((hip hip hooray))) I took an excel class in order to be able to add it to my resume. It was an 8 week class, I skipped 3 weeks though but I did all of my homework, mid term and final and I ended up getting a ‘C’ which I am very proud of lol……

I had planned on taking several art classes through the summer but after taking this class and talking to a friend I was inspired to go to school for ‘real’ this time and get my A.A.

I have been very scared to do so because I fear that I am not smart enough (I don’t even have my high school diploma ‘yet’). I am 26 almost 27 years old and I ‘feel’ old. *Sigh* I do not want to turn 30 ad not have a degree to my name.

I have always considered going to school fashion design or baking and pastry because I already have talents for it. But actually there  is nothing wrong if I choose one of these if I do because I am passionate about it not because I am scared that I am not ‘smart enough’ to get a degree and it will ‘take too long’ (but time is passing anyway). 

I had thought about just getting my AA and then going to get my certificate to do heart ultrasounds but AGAIN I would be doing that out of fear, not because I am passionate about it.

So what I REALLY have been wanting to do deep down and for yeeears is Psychology. Which has always seemed so daunting because it means I have to get a Masters degree. I guess I never thought I would be capable  doing it. But you know what I finally think I am starting to believe in myself. Whodathunkit?

So I enrolled in 3 classes for this summer the start of my AA……I thought I was going to have to give up all of my art classes, but I found out that one of them (Charcoal Art) starts the day AFTER my finals. Yes! That plus a party will be my celebration of the beginning.

I have had a few setbacks, 1st this week I saw my 2nd therapist for the 2nd and last time. I do NOT like her. She made comments that were full of judgement and she has a kind of patronizing disposition. I am not comfortable with her. One good thing out of that was that I seriously appreciate my current therapist even MORE and I plan on telling him so this Wednesday.

The other set back was the fact that I cut myself the other night. I was super overwhelmed and I had had a panic attack earlier twice in public. I also smelled a smell that took me back to my past. The cut was pretty deep (deepest yet) and I cut over and over about 8 times and it was a lot of blood. I must own up to the fact that I felt pretty satisfied about it…sad I know 

So all in all a balanced week I guess LOL….

Peace-

Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks

So, I applied for a job a few weeks back and have been told since then that to “please be patient as they are working out some issues”. So all I can do is wait, I have no idea if I officially have the job or not which is very frustrating….

I will be very disappointed if I do not get the job but I do have a back-up plan, which is to go back to school full time. Not sure what my major will be but I still have to finish my General-Ed. If I do get the job then I will still go to school but part time. 

I am proof positive that you really should sit down with your kids and discuss with them what would they like to be, show them college options (affordable of course). My mom never did that and by the time I was in highschool  I really did not think there was anything else after that. I mean I heard of college but I only saw it for other people, I did not see it for myself…..I did not even know what an AA vs. BA vs. Masters was until I had hit 22!

So I dropped out of my final year in High school (bad mistake) and went about my life with no goals set for myself. I had no dreams of what I could or wanted to become. Since then I have had jobs that paid good, I have volunteered a lot in place of actual school which has helped me a lot on my resume. 

But what I lack now is the self confidence as well as the dreams of my future. On one hand I am successful in certain areas  of my life and in the other I feel like a “high school drop-out loser” and with the whole depression that I am going through and in counseling for my past abuse issues; that feeling does not help.

I have moped for a long time about it and its time for me to do something about it. A part of me dreads going back to school because I really do not want to do my AA, it seems so boring. But for a person who has no clarity on what I want I guess its a good thing to be exposed to many different areas of study. 

So to start taking care of myself I did something I had not done before which is take my assessment for Mathand English at my community college. I have taken random classes but never buckling down for my AA. I did pretty good in English (because I read alooooot lol) 93% score my math on the other hand LOL, 26%…….

Anyways, its all good I will do it….Slow and steady wins the race right?

Well a lot still rides on this job because it determines how many and which classes to take…. *sigh* they said by middle of this coming week I should find out……. *sigh*

The stress is seriously making me want to s/h right now but I am not, I have been keeping myself busy and using some of the techniques that he suggested. I drew on my arm with markers and used a plastic butter knife to have a little of the feeling but “minimizing the damage” (what my counselor says) because it did not puncture the skin….

I hate the waiting game……

I still have my counseling homework to work on, I have done some of it because I have no s/h so far this week, but I still have not found my safe place…

Hope everyone is having a good weekend…..



Okay so I went to my friends house and made breakfast for her, she was happy…..I made Jalapeño (to do the ñ, press and hold Alt and hit the numbers 164) chicken sausage, bagels and cream cheese and hot cocoa…..Simple but it was really good. I ended up leaving a few hours later and I just got home. 

Buuut as soon as I left her house thoughts of suicide hit me and I thought to myself ways that I could kill myself. I know I am capable of it. 

#1. I have tried it before when I was 10, the day after I was assaulted by three guys (R-word is too hard for me to type in the same sentence of talking about myself) I slashed both of my wrists. Needless to say it did not work.

#2. I am not trying to get attention, I am seriously capable of doing it. 

Almost every time I have the feeling I make a conscience choice not to do it. I know all the fluff about not doing etc….. but its still hard….

I think what triggered it was a joke one of my friends made about having her pepper spray handy in case someone tries to assault her. And she turned around and pretended to use it and made this funny face which everyone laughed (even me, even though I did not want too and no, she does not know about my situation) anyway it triggered all these feelings and memories that I have had about what happened. And since that night I relapsed and started cutting again.

So today I got home with this huuuge drive of wanting to kill myself, so I grabbed the razor for cutting and cut and cut over the same wound over and over and until it bled, and I did it in two areas  ):

I do feel better and it IS less worse then slashing my wrist……. again……..


Counting the days till my counseling session on Wednesday……..


Waiting to hear back from a job that I applied at and interviewed twice. On Friday they told me to just be patient and that they will get back to me….*sigh* its hard to “be patient”.

Especially when you are bored out of your mind. Yes, I know there is ALWAYS something to do. I could cook, clean etc…. but  I do not want to do that. I have no energy, I am seriously emotionally drained. Which worries me about the ability to take on a job yet my Therapist believes it will good for me.

I am sitting here all dressed because I was going to go and surprise a friend and cook breakfast for her, and by the time I got my pants on I was out of energy and momentum, so I just texted her “Whatchya doin” and since I know she is sleep she will not answer, but ya see I did not feel bad barging into her house to make breakfast for her, but I feel bad going in there empty handed and barging in……

Maybe I should go….as I type this (I opened the blinds and let natural light pour into the livingroom) and now I feel a little more energy….okay I am going to go to her house and make breakfast….I know this whole post sounds lame but seriously it helped me to feel a bit better…..

Plus she is awesome and knows about my cutting etc…. so I feel very comfortable around her

Well the razor in my room is calling my name so I better get out of the house either way!

Also I just got back from sitting in a parking lot for 4 hours……

I cut, and a friend called me, and I cut while on the phone (I did not tell her tho)……

Before I got to the parking lot, I went into a gas station and thought about buying some cigarettes I walked up to the counter and walked around and around the store…I know I seemed shady, but I was too ashamed to buy them, because I don’t want to go back to smoking, its been yeeeears. What really made me not do it was the fact that the only type that was for a “decent” price was the ones my mom smoked and that was too weird for me.

I do not want to be my mom.