Posts Tagged ‘repeat behavior’

I want to cut so badly tonight……what stops me is I am too exhausted to go get my razor and I need to use the restroom and I am burning up with a slight fever…..I have no desire to sleep and I feel to miserable to sleep.  I do not have my trusty nyquil to sleep……….

I want this night to end, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow……………..

(P.S. My new therapist is working out) GOD, can Thursday come quicker???????

Doesn’t help that I started my period yesterday does it??????

Can I add that I have heart burn and am hungry for something that I do not have in this house!!!!!! I a thirsty but to tired to get up…….I don’t want school to start in 2 days!!!

Again I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I want this night to END!!!!

Actually make that this who god damn year and a half to end!!! pleeeeeeeease make it stop!!

 

Where is my antacid????

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Its amazing how arousing the color red is to me ever since I started cutting, but not just the color red but a red liquid. I had mentioned before that I noticed this sensation when I first poured a new bottle of red body wash onto my puff in the shower. It was seriously arousing. Which is weird because before cutting I would not feel this way. I had a bottle of red body wash before. 

Cutting is starting to become kinda sexual, I guess because cutting releases endorphins similar to sex….I wonder if that could be it?

Anyways, from the bodywash incident I had the idea to paint using red paints. I went to an arts and crafts store and bought several shades of red “Fire Engine, True Red, Ebony Black and Deep Burgundy” , got home and started painting (I used regular printer paper, I did not want to spend 8.99 + on a painting pad. It felt really good to those reds…..I used my fingers (when I bleed after I cut I like to use my fingers and make streaks on my arm), I used a paint brush and I really liked it alot. I noticed later while I was out that some was still on my arm and again, feelings of arousal came back again just at the sight of it I imagined the pain of the slicing and saw the color that felt very comforting. 

So when I got home I had to see which of the three reds created that near-perfect color on my arm….Deep Burgundy was the winner! Yes I am still sick lol but as my Therapist said “we are trying to minimize the damage”…….

FYI: I cannot paint at all lol, so all my work is ABSTRACT…….(Thats my story and I am stickin to it!) lol

I am counting the days until my counseling appointment which is Wednesday and + I have another one on Thursday.

So as part of my homework from my I am documenting my depressed moments.

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I have been having moments of extreme sadness without any major triggers. It usually comes because I have no distractions. Even when the distractions come I find no happiness in them but its usually enough  not to feel the deep ball of sadness in the pit of stomach. That feeling usually manifest itself when all distractions are gone.

I do not know what to do because I feel so numb, I ended up cutting so I can feel something. I haven’t cried in months and only once at that time and before that it was months….

So, I have a new counselor, I still have my other one “Y” but I have another one “M” , I saw her today and it was hard because I had to open up and tell my whole story, which actually is not too hard for me as I am very disconnected with my past. Anyways at the end of the session she gave me homework. Whenever I feel a depressive state coming on or I feel like cutting I am to journal it down and I will share it with her on our next appointment date so she can see my thought process and the hope is to change it….We shall see….

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I dropped a friend of mine off today at home, we spent a day visiting a mutual friend and as soon as I dropped her off I felt seriously depressed and down, I was already feeling that earlier even while I was with her but not as strong as when she left.  I felt like cutting as soon as I drove away and my guess is that the distraction of her being there helped keep my mind off of things a lot but not entirely like it use to be. I used to be able to seriously be distracted and be chipper and happy but not anymore, now exciting things do work anymore. I can be doing something I love and find absolutly no interest in it.


Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks

Today I had my session with my Counselor, I will refer to him as Y.  We talk about the cutting and I told him that the only reason why I did not cut for the last 24 hours was because he returned my call 2 days ago and told me if I felt like cutting to call him first. Since he told me that I stopped cutting because I did not want to disturb him.

He pretty much said “while I appreciate the thoughtfulness, please know that’s why I am here, so call me”……He also said “Its again nice you think of others but it should not be at the expense of yourself, and you need to learn how to have thoughtfulness like this to yourself…..

I am really big on not wanting to bother people and want to keep everyone happy with me…in essence I am a people pleaser. I guess it started back with my mom who was a drill sergeant. She would monitor eveything about me. She would say “why are you standing like that” “why did you get the look on your face when I said that” “I know what your thinking” “I can “read” between the lines” and that started at 7! So I became a master at hiding my emotions and being careful of everything I said or did because I worried about how it would be interpreted! At 7! 

So since then I have always been concerned about what people think of me and how they envision me and soon through therapy once I deal with the other 18 million problems I have then I can get to that one….

Its crazy the type of composure I have. When my mom came home the day after I was Gang-R (assaulted) and just that morning I had slit my wrists (which when I realized it had not worked, I cleaned myself up and laid down) when she came home and asked how I was (mind you she was high on Coke) I told her I was fine, and I did that because I saw the look in her eyes, it was like she needed me to be okay….and being the people pleaser I had become I complied….

I was also molested earlier in my childhood at the age of 6, and again at 8…….thats a whole nother post! lol

Anyways we talked about ways to handle the cutting which he says is “Poor coping mechanisms” which I agree. So I need to learn better coping skills. 

He gave me some suggestions, which he says exhaust all of these first before resorting to that…..(advice given to him by people who use to cut)

1. Use a red marker and mark the places that I would cut

2. Rub Ice on the areas I would want to cut

3. I told him I like to color LOL, and he said “try that, since I am keeping my hands occupied”

4. He said some people get a box with sand and run their hands 

5. Some people knead bread dough (which you can buy some from the freezer section

6. Also after trying some of these ideas and if they do not work he said 

“CALL ME”

He gave me a number that I can reach him instantly….

So my homework this week is:

#1. Create Safe Place

Since this whole cutting episode was triggered (you can read it here: https://agirlnamedjenna.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/less_worse/ ) and he told me there will be other things that will trigger it (sounds, words, smells) and since I only feel comfortable talking about the assault in his office then he said  I wont always be in the safety of his office then the ideal is to create a safety net in my mind by envisioning my safety place that he wants me to figure out.

#2. Work on not cutting by exhausting my options first……

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Virginia Woolf




Okay so I went to my friends house and made breakfast for her, she was happy…..I made Jalapeño (to do the ñ, press and hold Alt and hit the numbers 164) chicken sausage, bagels and cream cheese and hot cocoa…..Simple but it was really good. I ended up leaving a few hours later and I just got home. 

Buuut as soon as I left her house thoughts of suicide hit me and I thought to myself ways that I could kill myself. I know I am capable of it. 

#1. I have tried it before when I was 10, the day after I was assaulted by three guys (R-word is too hard for me to type in the same sentence of talking about myself) I slashed both of my wrists. Needless to say it did not work.

#2. I am not trying to get attention, I am seriously capable of doing it. 

Almost every time I have the feeling I make a conscience choice not to do it. I know all the fluff about not doing etc….. but its still hard….

I think what triggered it was a joke one of my friends made about having her pepper spray handy in case someone tries to assault her. And she turned around and pretended to use it and made this funny face which everyone laughed (even me, even though I did not want too and no, she does not know about my situation) anyway it triggered all these feelings and memories that I have had about what happened. And since that night I relapsed and started cutting again.

So today I got home with this huuuge drive of wanting to kill myself, so I grabbed the razor for cutting and cut and cut over the same wound over and over and until it bled, and I did it in two areas  ):

I do feel better and it IS less worse then slashing my wrist……. again……..


Counting the days till my counseling session on Wednesday……..