Okay so I went to my friends house and made breakfast for her, she was happy…..I made Jalapeño (to do the ñ, press and hold Alt and hit the numbers 164) chicken sausage, bagels and cream cheese and hot cocoa…..Simple but it was really good. I ended up leaving a few hours later and I just got home. 

Buuut as soon as I left her house thoughts of suicide hit me and I thought to myself ways that I could kill myself. I know I am capable of it. 

#1. I have tried it before when I was 10, the day after I was assaulted by three guys (R-word is too hard for me to type in the same sentence of talking about myself) I slashed both of my wrists. Needless to say it did not work.

#2. I am not trying to get attention, I am seriously capable of doing it. 

Almost every time I have the feeling I make a conscience choice not to do it. I know all the fluff about not doing etc….. but its still hard….

I think what triggered it was a joke one of my friends made about having her pepper spray handy in case someone tries to assault her. And she turned around and pretended to use it and made this funny face which everyone laughed (even me, even though I did not want too and no, she does not know about my situation) anyway it triggered all these feelings and memories that I have had about what happened. And since that night I relapsed and started cutting again.

So today I got home with this huuuge drive of wanting to kill myself, so I grabbed the razor for cutting and cut and cut over the same wound over and over and until it bled, and I did it in two areas  ):

I do feel better and it IS less worse then slashing my wrist……. again……..


Counting the days till my counseling session on Wednesday……..


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