Clarity

So, I applied for a job a few weeks back and have been told since then that to “please be patient as they are working out some issues”. So all I can do is wait, I have no idea if I officially have the job or not which is very frustrating….

I will be very disappointed if I do not get the job but I do have a back-up plan, which is to go back to school full time. Not sure what my major will be but I still have to finish my General-Ed. If I do get the job then I will still go to school but part time. 

I am proof positive that you really should sit down with your kids and discuss with them what would they like to be, show them college options (affordable of course). My mom never did that and by the time I was in highschool  I really did not think there was anything else after that. I mean I heard of college but I only saw it for other people, I did not see it for myself…..I did not even know what an AA vs. BA vs. Masters was until I had hit 22!

So I dropped out of my final year in High school (bad mistake) and went about my life with no goals set for myself. I had no dreams of what I could or wanted to become. Since then I have had jobs that paid good, I have volunteered a lot in place of actual school which has helped me a lot on my resume. 

But what I lack now is the self confidence as well as the dreams of my future. On one hand I am successful in certain areas  of my life and in the other I feel like a “high school drop-out loser” and with the whole depression that I am going through and in counseling for my past abuse issues; that feeling does not help.

I have moped for a long time about it and its time for me to do something about it. A part of me dreads going back to school because I really do not want to do my AA, it seems so boring. But for a person who has no clarity on what I want I guess its a good thing to be exposed to many different areas of study. 

So to start taking care of myself I did something I had not done before which is take my assessment for Mathand English at my community college. I have taken random classes but never buckling down for my AA. I did pretty good in English (because I read alooooot lol) 93% score my math on the other hand LOL, 26%…….

Anyways, its all good I will do it….Slow and steady wins the race right?

Well a lot still rides on this job because it determines how many and which classes to take…. *sigh* they said by middle of this coming week I should find out……. *sigh*

The stress is seriously making me want to s/h right now but I am not, I have been keeping myself busy and using some of the techniques that he suggested. I drew on my arm with markers and used a plastic butter knife to have a little of the feeling but “minimizing the damage” (what my counselor says) because it did not puncture the skin….

I hate the waiting game……

I still have my counseling homework to work on, I have done some of it because I have no s/h so far this week, but I still have not found my safe place…

Hope everyone is having a good weekend…..

Breakfast at a friends?

Waiting to hear back from a job that I applied at and interviewed twice. On Friday they told me to just be patient and that they will get back to me….*sigh* its hard to “be patient”.

Especially when you are bored out of your mind. Yes, I know there is ALWAYS something to do. I could cook, clean etc…. but  I do not want to do that. I have no energy, I am seriously emotionally drained. Which worries me about the ability to take on a job yet my Therapist believes it will good for me.

I am sitting here all dressed because I was going to go and surprise a friend and cook breakfast for her, and by the time I got my pants on I was out of energy and momentum, so I just texted her “Whatchya doin” and since I know she is sleep she will not answer, but ya see I did not feel bad barging into her house to make breakfast for her, but I feel bad going in there empty handed and barging in……

Maybe I should go….as I type this (I opened the blinds and let natural light pour into the livingroom) and now I feel a little more energy….okay I am going to go to her house and make breakfast….I know this whole post sounds lame but seriously it helped me to feel a bit better…..

Plus she is awesome and knows about my cutting etc…. so I feel very comfortable around her

Well the razor in my room is calling my name so I better get out of the house either way!