Today I had my session with my Counselor, I will refer to him as Y.  We talk about the cutting and I told him that the only reason why I did not cut for the last 24 hours was because he returned my call 2 days ago and told me if I felt like cutting to call him first. Since he told me that I stopped cutting because I did not want to disturb him.

He pretty much said “while I appreciate the thoughtfulness, please know that’s why I am here, so call me”……He also said “Its again nice you think of others but it should not be at the expense of yourself, and you need to learn how to have thoughtfulness like this to yourself…..

I am really big on not wanting to bother people and want to keep everyone happy with me…in essence I am a people pleaser. I guess it started back with my mom who was a drill sergeant. She would monitor eveything about me. She would say “why are you standing like that” “why did you get the look on your face when I said that” “I know what your thinking” “I can “read” between the lines” and that started at 7! So I became a master at hiding my emotions and being careful of everything I said or did because I worried about how it would be interpreted! At 7! 

So since then I have always been concerned about what people think of me and how they envision me and soon through therapy once I deal with the other 18 million problems I have then I can get to that one….

Its crazy the type of composure I have. When my mom came home the day after I was Gang-R (assaulted) and just that morning I had slit my wrists (which when I realized it had not worked, I cleaned myself up and laid down) when she came home and asked how I was (mind you she was high on Coke) I told her I was fine, and I did that because I saw the look in her eyes, it was like she needed me to be okay….and being the people pleaser I had become I complied….

I was also molested earlier in my childhood at the age of 6, and again at 8…….thats a whole nother post! lol

Anyways we talked about ways to handle the cutting which he says is “Poor coping mechanisms” which I agree. So I need to learn better coping skills. 

He gave me some suggestions, which he says exhaust all of these first before resorting to that…..(advice given to him by people who use to cut)

1. Use a red marker and mark the places that I would cut

2. Rub Ice on the areas I would want to cut

3. I told him I like to color LOL, and he said “try that, since I am keeping my hands occupied”

4. He said some people get a box with sand and run their hands 

5. Some people knead bread dough (which you can buy some from the freezer section

6. Also after trying some of these ideas and if they do not work he said 

“CALL ME”

He gave me a number that I can reach him instantly….

So my homework this week is:

#1. Create Safe Place

Since this whole cutting episode was triggered (you can read it here: https://agirlnamedjenna.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/less_worse/ ) and he told me there will be other things that will trigger it (sounds, words, smells) and since I only feel comfortable talking about the assault in his office then he said  I wont always be in the safety of his office then the ideal is to create a safety net in my mind by envisioning my safety place that he wants me to figure out.

#2. Work on not cutting by exhausting my options first……

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Virginia Woolf




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Comments
  1. Jenna, you are really courageous. Here’s a challenge for you to try, be willing to be kind to yourself. Offer yourself the kindness that you constantly give to others. You seem really thoughtful of others, trying to be aware of their needs. Be willing to give that you yourself. You can create safety, even out of fear, this moment can be different. Be willing to to kind to yourself and create a new moment. Good luck to you as you create new moments which will become a new today and a new experience to you. krj

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