Posts Tagged ‘self-injury’

Its been a little while since I posted, but I have been pretty busy, some good and some bad. First, I took my first final in 12 years (((hip hip hooray))) I took an excel class in order to be able to add it to my resume. It was an 8 week class, I skipped 3 weeks though but I did all of my homework, mid term and final and I ended up getting a ‘C’ which I am very proud of lol……

I had planned on taking several art classes through the summer but after taking this class and talking to a friend I was inspired to go to school for ‘real’ this time and get my A.A.

I have been very scared to do so because I fear that I am not smart enough (I don’t even have my high school diploma ‘yet’). I am 26 almost 27 years old and I ‘feel’ old. *Sigh* I do not want to turn 30 ad not have a degree to my name.

I have always considered going to school fashion design or baking and pastry because I already have talents for it. But actually there  is nothing wrong if I choose one of these if I do because I am passionate about it not because I am scared that I am not ‘smart enough’ to get a degree and it will ‘take too long’ (but time is passing anyway). 

I had thought about just getting my AA and then going to get my certificate to do heart ultrasounds but AGAIN I would be doing that out of fear, not because I am passionate about it.

So what I REALLY have been wanting to do deep down and for yeeears is Psychology. Which has always seemed so daunting because it means I have to get a Masters degree. I guess I never thought I would be capable  doing it. But you know what I finally think I am starting to believe in myself. Whodathunkit?

So I enrolled in 3 classes for this summer the start of my AA……I thought I was going to have to give up all of my art classes, but I found out that one of them (Charcoal Art) starts the day AFTER my finals. Yes! That plus a party will be my celebration of the beginning.

I have had a few setbacks, 1st this week I saw my 2nd therapist for the 2nd and last time. I do NOT like her. She made comments that were full of judgement and she has a kind of patronizing disposition. I am not comfortable with her. One good thing out of that was that I seriously appreciate my current therapist even MORE and I plan on telling him so this Wednesday.

The other set back was the fact that I cut myself the other night. I was super overwhelmed and I had had a panic attack earlier twice in public. I also smelled a smell that took me back to my past. The cut was pretty deep (deepest yet) and I cut over and over about 8 times and it was a lot of blood. I must own up to the fact that I felt pretty satisfied about it…sad I know 

So all in all a balanced week I guess LOL….

Peace-

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I am counting the days until my counseling appointment which is Wednesday and + I have another one on Thursday.

So as part of my homework from my I am documenting my depressed moments.

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I have been having moments of extreme sadness without any major triggers. It usually comes because I have no distractions. Even when the distractions come I find no happiness in them but its usually enough  not to feel the deep ball of sadness in the pit of stomach. That feeling usually manifest itself when all distractions are gone.

I do not know what to do because I feel so numb, I ended up cutting so I can feel something. I haven’t cried in months and only once at that time and before that it was months….

So, I have a new counselor, I still have my other one “Y” but I have another one “M” , I saw her today and it was hard because I had to open up and tell my whole story, which actually is not too hard for me as I am very disconnected with my past. Anyways at the end of the session she gave me homework. Whenever I feel a depressive state coming on or I feel like cutting I am to journal it down and I will share it with her on our next appointment date so she can see my thought process and the hope is to change it….We shall see….

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I dropped a friend of mine off today at home, we spent a day visiting a mutual friend and as soon as I dropped her off I felt seriously depressed and down, I was already feeling that earlier even while I was with her but not as strong as when she left.  I felt like cutting as soon as I drove away and my guess is that the distraction of her being there helped keep my mind off of things a lot but not entirely like it use to be. I used to be able to seriously be distracted and be chipper and happy but not anymore, now exciting things do work anymore. I can be doing something I love and find absolutly no interest in it.


Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks

So, I applied for a job a few weeks back and have been told since then that to “please be patient as they are working out some issues”. So all I can do is wait, I have no idea if I officially have the job or not which is very frustrating….

I will be very disappointed if I do not get the job but I do have a back-up plan, which is to go back to school full time. Not sure what my major will be but I still have to finish my General-Ed. If I do get the job then I will still go to school but part time. 

I am proof positive that you really should sit down with your kids and discuss with them what would they like to be, show them college options (affordable of course). My mom never did that and by the time I was in highschool  I really did not think there was anything else after that. I mean I heard of college but I only saw it for other people, I did not see it for myself…..I did not even know what an AA vs. BA vs. Masters was until I had hit 22!

So I dropped out of my final year in High school (bad mistake) and went about my life with no goals set for myself. I had no dreams of what I could or wanted to become. Since then I have had jobs that paid good, I have volunteered a lot in place of actual school which has helped me a lot on my resume. 

But what I lack now is the self confidence as well as the dreams of my future. On one hand I am successful in certain areas  of my life and in the other I feel like a “high school drop-out loser” and with the whole depression that I am going through and in counseling for my past abuse issues; that feeling does not help.

I have moped for a long time about it and its time for me to do something about it. A part of me dreads going back to school because I really do not want to do my AA, it seems so boring. But for a person who has no clarity on what I want I guess its a good thing to be exposed to many different areas of study. 

So to start taking care of myself I did something I had not done before which is take my assessment for Mathand English at my community college. I have taken random classes but never buckling down for my AA. I did pretty good in English (because I read alooooot lol) 93% score my math on the other hand LOL, 26%…….

Anyways, its all good I will do it….Slow and steady wins the race right?

Well a lot still rides on this job because it determines how many and which classes to take…. *sigh* they said by middle of this coming week I should find out……. *sigh*

The stress is seriously making me want to s/h right now but I am not, I have been keeping myself busy and using some of the techniques that he suggested. I drew on my arm with markers and used a plastic butter knife to have a little of the feeling but “minimizing the damage” (what my counselor says) because it did not puncture the skin….

I hate the waiting game……

I still have my counseling homework to work on, I have done some of it because I have no s/h so far this week, but I still have not found my safe place…

Hope everyone is having a good weekend…..



Today I had my session with my Counselor, I will refer to him as Y.  We talk about the cutting and I told him that the only reason why I did not cut for the last 24 hours was because he returned my call 2 days ago and told me if I felt like cutting to call him first. Since he told me that I stopped cutting because I did not want to disturb him.

He pretty much said “while I appreciate the thoughtfulness, please know that’s why I am here, so call me”……He also said “Its again nice you think of others but it should not be at the expense of yourself, and you need to learn how to have thoughtfulness like this to yourself…..

I am really big on not wanting to bother people and want to keep everyone happy with me…in essence I am a people pleaser. I guess it started back with my mom who was a drill sergeant. She would monitor eveything about me. She would say “why are you standing like that” “why did you get the look on your face when I said that” “I know what your thinking” “I can “read” between the lines” and that started at 7! So I became a master at hiding my emotions and being careful of everything I said or did because I worried about how it would be interpreted! At 7! 

So since then I have always been concerned about what people think of me and how they envision me and soon through therapy once I deal with the other 18 million problems I have then I can get to that one….

Its crazy the type of composure I have. When my mom came home the day after I was Gang-R (assaulted) and just that morning I had slit my wrists (which when I realized it had not worked, I cleaned myself up and laid down) when she came home and asked how I was (mind you she was high on Coke) I told her I was fine, and I did that because I saw the look in her eyes, it was like she needed me to be okay….and being the people pleaser I had become I complied….

I was also molested earlier in my childhood at the age of 6, and again at 8…….thats a whole nother post! lol

Anyways we talked about ways to handle the cutting which he says is “Poor coping mechanisms” which I agree. So I need to learn better coping skills. 

He gave me some suggestions, which he says exhaust all of these first before resorting to that…..(advice given to him by people who use to cut)

1. Use a red marker and mark the places that I would cut

2. Rub Ice on the areas I would want to cut

3. I told him I like to color LOL, and he said “try that, since I am keeping my hands occupied”

4. He said some people get a box with sand and run their hands 

5. Some people knead bread dough (which you can buy some from the freezer section

6. Also after trying some of these ideas and if they do not work he said 

“CALL ME”

He gave me a number that I can reach him instantly….

So my homework this week is:

#1. Create Safe Place

Since this whole cutting episode was triggered (you can read it here: https://agirlnamedjenna.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/less_worse/ ) and he told me there will be other things that will trigger it (sounds, words, smells) and since I only feel comfortable talking about the assault in his office then he said  I wont always be in the safety of his office then the ideal is to create a safety net in my mind by envisioning my safety place that he wants me to figure out.

#2. Work on not cutting by exhausting my options first……

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Virginia Woolf




I am sitting here on my sofa, feeling numb and disconnected……I feel completely detached from my surroundings, no desire to to do anything at the moment no matter how fun it is….I can’t think of anything that will make me feel better but getting in bed which I cannot do because I have things I have to do. 

A lot of time people do not understand what I am going through because I am very good at laughing and seeming like I am normal….when I am far from it……..

I am a functioning mental patient…..

 

My arm hurts and its the only thing that seems real……

Never start cutting it is so hard to stop…….