Posts Tagged ‘razors’

I am counting the days until my counseling appointment which is Wednesday and + I have another one on Thursday.

So as part of my homework from my I am documenting my depressed moments.

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I have been having moments of extreme sadness without any major triggers. It usually comes because I have no distractions. Even when the distractions come I find no happiness in them but its usually enough  not to feel the deep ball of sadness in the pit of stomach. That feeling usually manifest itself when all distractions are gone.

I do not know what to do because I feel so numb, I ended up cutting so I can feel something. I haven’t cried in months and only once at that time and before that it was months….

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So, I have a new counselor, I still have my other one “Y” but I have another one “M” , I saw her today and it was hard because I had to open up and tell my whole story, which actually is not too hard for me as I am very disconnected with my past. Anyways at the end of the session she gave me homework. Whenever I feel a depressive state coming on or I feel like cutting I am to journal it down and I will share it with her on our next appointment date so she can see my thought process and the hope is to change it….We shall see….

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I dropped a friend of mine off today at home, we spent a day visiting a mutual friend and as soon as I dropped her off I felt seriously depressed and down, I was already feeling that earlier even while I was with her but not as strong as when she left.  I felt like cutting as soon as I drove away and my guess is that the distraction of her being there helped keep my mind off of things a lot but not entirely like it use to be. I used to be able to seriously be distracted and be chipper and happy but not anymore, now exciting things do work anymore. I can be doing something I love and find absolutly no interest in it.


Today was okay I guess…..

My accomplishments thus far:

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

-I have not cut in 6 days

I am unsure if I will make it through the night though.

Tomorrow is my counseling appointment….I swear I barely make it from week to week.

I called the suicide hotline yesterday, I was feeling very very low. ‘Angie’ did help a lot, I didn’t really follow through with the solution we came up with but just talking to her made me fell better.

This feeling really sucks

Today I had my session with my Counselor, I will refer to him as Y.  We talk about the cutting and I told him that the only reason why I did not cut for the last 24 hours was because he returned my call 2 days ago and told me if I felt like cutting to call him first. Since he told me that I stopped cutting because I did not want to disturb him.

He pretty much said “while I appreciate the thoughtfulness, please know that’s why I am here, so call me”……He also said “Its again nice you think of others but it should not be at the expense of yourself, and you need to learn how to have thoughtfulness like this to yourself…..

I am really big on not wanting to bother people and want to keep everyone happy with me…in essence I am a people pleaser. I guess it started back with my mom who was a drill sergeant. She would monitor eveything about me. She would say “why are you standing like that” “why did you get the look on your face when I said that” “I know what your thinking” “I can “read” between the lines” and that started at 7! So I became a master at hiding my emotions and being careful of everything I said or did because I worried about how it would be interpreted! At 7! 

So since then I have always been concerned about what people think of me and how they envision me and soon through therapy once I deal with the other 18 million problems I have then I can get to that one….

Its crazy the type of composure I have. When my mom came home the day after I was Gang-R (assaulted) and just that morning I had slit my wrists (which when I realized it had not worked, I cleaned myself up and laid down) when she came home and asked how I was (mind you she was high on Coke) I told her I was fine, and I did that because I saw the look in her eyes, it was like she needed me to be okay….and being the people pleaser I had become I complied….

I was also molested earlier in my childhood at the age of 6, and again at 8…….thats a whole nother post! lol

Anyways we talked about ways to handle the cutting which he says is “Poor coping mechanisms” which I agree. So I need to learn better coping skills. 

He gave me some suggestions, which he says exhaust all of these first before resorting to that…..(advice given to him by people who use to cut)

1. Use a red marker and mark the places that I would cut

2. Rub Ice on the areas I would want to cut

3. I told him I like to color LOL, and he said “try that, since I am keeping my hands occupied”

4. He said some people get a box with sand and run their hands 

5. Some people knead bread dough (which you can buy some from the freezer section

6. Also after trying some of these ideas and if they do not work he said 

“CALL ME”

He gave me a number that I can reach him instantly….

So my homework this week is:

#1. Create Safe Place

Since this whole cutting episode was triggered (you can read it here: https://agirlnamedjenna.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/less_worse/ ) and he told me there will be other things that will trigger it (sounds, words, smells) and since I only feel comfortable talking about the assault in his office then he said  I wont always be in the safety of his office then the ideal is to create a safety net in my mind by envisioning my safety place that he wants me to figure out.

#2. Work on not cutting by exhausting my options first……

You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Virginia Woolf




I am sitting here on my sofa, feeling numb and disconnected……I feel completely detached from my surroundings, no desire to to do anything at the moment no matter how fun it is….I can’t think of anything that will make me feel better but getting in bed which I cannot do because I have things I have to do. 

A lot of time people do not understand what I am going through because I am very good at laughing and seeming like I am normal….when I am far from it……..

I am a functioning mental patient…..

 

My arm hurts and its the only thing that seems real……

Never start cutting it is so hard to stop…….

Okay so I went to my friends house and made breakfast for her, she was happy…..I made Jalapeño (to do the ñ, press and hold Alt and hit the numbers 164) chicken sausage, bagels and cream cheese and hot cocoa…..Simple but it was really good. I ended up leaving a few hours later and I just got home. 

Buuut as soon as I left her house thoughts of suicide hit me and I thought to myself ways that I could kill myself. I know I am capable of it. 

#1. I have tried it before when I was 10, the day after I was assaulted by three guys (R-word is too hard for me to type in the same sentence of talking about myself) I slashed both of my wrists. Needless to say it did not work.

#2. I am not trying to get attention, I am seriously capable of doing it. 

Almost every time I have the feeling I make a conscience choice not to do it. I know all the fluff about not doing etc….. but its still hard….

I think what triggered it was a joke one of my friends made about having her pepper spray handy in case someone tries to assault her. And she turned around and pretended to use it and made this funny face which everyone laughed (even me, even though I did not want too and no, she does not know about my situation) anyway it triggered all these feelings and memories that I have had about what happened. And since that night I relapsed and started cutting again.

So today I got home with this huuuge drive of wanting to kill myself, so I grabbed the razor for cutting and cut and cut over the same wound over and over and until it bled, and I did it in two areas  ):

I do feel better and it IS less worse then slashing my wrist……. again……..


Counting the days till my counseling session on Wednesday……..


Waiting to hear back from a job that I applied at and interviewed twice. On Friday they told me to just be patient and that they will get back to me….*sigh* its hard to “be patient”.

Especially when you are bored out of your mind. Yes, I know there is ALWAYS something to do. I could cook, clean etc…. but  I do not want to do that. I have no energy, I am seriously emotionally drained. Which worries me about the ability to take on a job yet my Therapist believes it will good for me.

I am sitting here all dressed because I was going to go and surprise a friend and cook breakfast for her, and by the time I got my pants on I was out of energy and momentum, so I just texted her “Whatchya doin” and since I know she is sleep she will not answer, but ya see I did not feel bad barging into her house to make breakfast for her, but I feel bad going in there empty handed and barging in……

Maybe I should go….as I type this (I opened the blinds and let natural light pour into the livingroom) and now I feel a little more energy….okay I am going to go to her house and make breakfast….I know this whole post sounds lame but seriously it helped me to feel a bit better…..

Plus she is awesome and knows about my cutting etc…. so I feel very comfortable around her

Well the razor in my room is calling my name so I better get out of the house either way!