Suicidal Laughter

Posted: August 12, 2011 in Cutting, Disconnected, suicidal, suicide

I wrote a long post about what’s currently going on only to have it my force close! Anyway short version lol……I am currently in the hospital being held for 24 hours waiting if I need to be held another 72 hrs for a suicide attempt this afternoon.

I sat in the car and sliced my arms up with a butcher knife and razors after writing goodbye letters to everyone.

I was escorted to the hospital with my friend by police (my therapist called them) and I am currently sitting on the bed hooked up to monitors waiting for my Psych Evaluation

Thank goodness for my funny nurse who whenever its his turn to watch me (u have to have someone with u at all times) I am always cracking up which keeps my mind of the problems…..

It’s 5am and no sleep….ons try to get some before the evaluator comes……. I will keep posting as things change…this is afterall my diary lol

Still here

Posted: July 19, 2011 in Cutting, Homework

I am still here, been busy with school. Summer school is good bwcause it is so quick but hard because it is so intense so fast. Almost done, I have exams this week and final in two. Will try and write more tomorrow. I have a bad headache and I cut tonight….. Gotta sleep

I want to cut so badly tonight……what stops me is I am too exhausted to go get my razor and I need to use the restroom and I am burning up with a slight fever…..I have no desire to sleep and I feel to miserable to sleep.  I do not have my trusty nyquil to sleep……….

I want this night to end, but I am not looking forward to tomorrow……………..

(P.S. My new therapist is working out) GOD, can Thursday come quicker???????

Doesn’t help that I started my period yesterday does it??????

Can I add that I have heart burn and am hungry for something that I do not have in this house!!!!!! I a thirsty but to tired to get up…….I don’t want school to start in 2 days!!!

Again I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I want this night to END!!!!

Actually make that this who god damn year and a half to end!!! pleeeeeeeease make it stop!!

 

Where is my antacid????

Its amazing how arousing the color red is to me ever since I started cutting, but not just the color red but a red liquid. I had mentioned before that I noticed this sensation when I first poured a new bottle of red body wash onto my puff in the shower. It was seriously arousing. Which is weird because before cutting I would not feel this way. I had a bottle of red body wash before. 

Cutting is starting to become kinda sexual, I guess because cutting releases endorphins similar to sex….I wonder if that could be it?

Anyways, from the bodywash incident I had the idea to paint using red paints. I went to an arts and crafts store and bought several shades of red “Fire Engine, True Red, Ebony Black and Deep Burgundy” , got home and started painting (I used regular printer paper, I did not want to spend 8.99 + on a painting pad. It felt really good to those reds…..I used my fingers (when I bleed after I cut I like to use my fingers and make streaks on my arm), I used a paint brush and I really liked it alot. I noticed later while I was out that some was still on my arm and again, feelings of arousal came back again just at the sight of it I imagined the pain of the slicing and saw the color that felt very comforting. 

So when I got home I had to see which of the three reds created that near-perfect color on my arm….Deep Burgundy was the winner! Yes I am still sick lol but as my Therapist said “we are trying to minimize the damage”…….

FYI: I cannot paint at all lol, so all my work is ABSTRACT…….(Thats my story and I am stickin to it!) lol

Its been a little while since I posted, but I have been pretty busy, some good and some bad. First, I took my first final in 12 years (((hip hip hooray))) I took an excel class in order to be able to add it to my resume. It was an 8 week class, I skipped 3 weeks though but I did all of my homework, mid term and final and I ended up getting a ‘C’ which I am very proud of lol……

I had planned on taking several art classes through the summer but after taking this class and talking to a friend I was inspired to go to school for ‘real’ this time and get my A.A.

I have been very scared to do so because I fear that I am not smart enough (I don’t even have my high school diploma ‘yet’). I am 26 almost 27 years old and I ‘feel’ old. *Sigh* I do not want to turn 30 ad not have a degree to my name.

I have always considered going to school fashion design or baking and pastry because I already have talents for it. But actually there  is nothing wrong if I choose one of these if I do because I am passionate about it not because I am scared that I am not ‘smart enough’ to get a degree and it will ‘take too long’ (but time is passing anyway). 

I had thought about just getting my AA and then going to get my certificate to do heart ultrasounds but AGAIN I would be doing that out of fear, not because I am passionate about it.

So what I REALLY have been wanting to do deep down and for yeeears is Psychology. Which has always seemed so daunting because it means I have to get a Masters degree. I guess I never thought I would be capable  doing it. But you know what I finally think I am starting to believe in myself. Whodathunkit?

So I enrolled in 3 classes for this summer the start of my AA……I thought I was going to have to give up all of my art classes, but I found out that one of them (Charcoal Art) starts the day AFTER my finals. Yes! That plus a party will be my celebration of the beginning.

I have had a few setbacks, 1st this week I saw my 2nd therapist for the 2nd and last time. I do NOT like her. She made comments that were full of judgement and she has a kind of patronizing disposition. I am not comfortable with her. One good thing out of that was that I seriously appreciate my current therapist even MORE and I plan on telling him so this Wednesday.

The other set back was the fact that I cut myself the other night. I was super overwhelmed and I had had a panic attack earlier twice in public. I also smelled a smell that took me back to my past. The cut was pretty deep (deepest yet) and I cut over and over about 8 times and it was a lot of blood. I must own up to the fact that I felt pretty satisfied about it…sad I know 

So all in all a balanced week I guess LOL….

Peace-

I am counting the days until my counseling appointment which is Wednesday and + I have another one on Thursday.

So as part of my homework from my I am documenting my depressed moments.

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I have been having moments of extreme sadness without any major triggers. It usually comes because I have no distractions. Even when the distractions come I find no happiness in them but its usually enough  not to feel the deep ball of sadness in the pit of stomach. That feeling usually manifest itself when all distractions are gone.

I do not know what to do because I feel so numb, I ended up cutting so I can feel something. I haven’t cried in months and only once at that time and before that it was months….

So, I have a new counselor, I still have my other one “Y” but I have another one “M” , I saw her today and it was hard because I had to open up and tell my whole story, which actually is not too hard for me as I am very disconnected with my past. Anyways at the end of the session she gave me homework. Whenever I feel a depressive state coming on or I feel like cutting I am to journal it down and I will share it with her on our next appointment date so she can see my thought process and the hope is to change it….We shall see….

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I dropped a friend of mine off today at home, we spent a day visiting a mutual friend and as soon as I dropped her off I felt seriously depressed and down, I was already feeling that earlier even while I was with her but not as strong as when she left.  I felt like cutting as soon as I drove away and my guess is that the distraction of her being there helped keep my mind off of things a lot but not entirely like it use to be. I used to be able to seriously be distracted and be chipper and happy but not anymore, now exciting things do work anymore. I can be doing something I love and find absolutly no interest in it.