Tunnel Wanderer

Posted: May 1, 2011 in Poetry
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I wrote this back when I actually felt that I had hope. At this moment I do not feel any hope (I do hope that feeling will come back) The majority of this poem is true for me right now-

Heavy heart and weak spirit is what I feel that have blossomed in my chest

But what I must confess is that I am feeling something
other then just trying to cope and “survive” and that would be….. to hope

4 letters that we use in a sentence but never fully grasping their meaning
until you have hit the bottom and see no gleaming of light at the end of that tunnel

That tunnel that sucked you into a dark maze and then your amazed that you don’t even know how you got in there

thinking what got you there were your feelings that you thought were nothing but a phase and
would pass and then you realize this IS the place
that you now face and you feel disgraced

Its my fault, I did that, I walked in by myself……You feel that you are to blame
and now you feel the shame…Those feeling you keep on the shelf.
Safe and secure, can’t let anything happen to them no no…… These feeling must stay
And when a person comes to take them and shatter them you push them away…..

These feeling have been apart of you since the pain began

Security blanket if you will.
New feelings? that would mean I would have to start again

Crying, Tears, Hurt, FEELING? This is all new to me…..

Tears coming down when I least expect
no longer being able to keep the disconnect
Walls and masks that I put up in order to deal… now  must break down in order for me to feel
The irony that I must pay for someone else’s sins
So now it begins, the hard painful journey of putting this to an end

The journey out of the tunnel is long and hard
Where am I at? I am walking through  but I am on my guard
Not sure how much I want to feel, while going through this ordeal

I know feeling is a definite must but I doubt that I can trust
putting my walls down that I won’t get hurt by someone else’s lust for power and control
trying to destroy the spirit  of my soul.

Yet I do see the light and it is very enticing
to no longer be wandering in the darkness that has enveloped me for so long

I no longer want to be able to just survive and cope
With the light that I see I am happy that I finally have hope


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Comments
  1. If the majority of that poem is true for you now then you do have hope. it is a very powerful poem. Slowly, slowly is how we get through it. There will be doubt and fear but you can get through. Keep expectations low and soon you will be able to look and see not only the light in front but also how far you have come. Great post!

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